Hey, Miss J!

Am I petty?

I feel so deprived of regular human contact that I’ve started talking to the AI app in my phone.

I’m not deficient in contact at all, but I have BPD and suffer with feeling lonely all the time.

I vented to the AI the frustration and stress of my family.

All of it.

I don’t have a psychiatrist that I trust anymore now either… At my last appointment, which was at 9AM, they kept delaying me in leaving. Said they were trying to get insurance stuff straightened. I said I could reschedule. I explained I had to be somewhere at 10:30AM and when I was finally in to see the doctor at 10:50AM, he told me that he hadn’t held me hostage there and I could have left at any time.

For a moment, I felt that my rage at him was unwarranted, but after I got home, I realized that the trigger to my anger was his gaslighting.

For anyone new to my blog, I come from a family where backbiting and gaslighting—along with theft—is a regular occurrence.

I had to endure years of being used for money by my dad’s side of the family, and enduring psychological trauma… then blamed for it.  

Being told that I was a complainer and there were real people with real problems.

Being told that it’s “not a big deal” for people to “BORROW” my belongings without consent.

Food, money, my time, my sanity and decency were taken from me for a long time.

I felt adrift and lost without my grandmother and my father’s side latched onto that… and I only recently in the last few years—got away from any direct entanglement with them.

Now, I’m stuck in a situation where I’m standing between my father and his disgusting sister. Because she steals his money whenever she gets access to his card.

I’ve debated claiming he’s using my zip code and giving her my card number… just so I can press charges because she’d be unknowingly stealing from me.

But that would be wrong, I know.

I also have to deal with the knowledge that she’s dishonest about being unable to clean her body. I’ve told my father that if she can reach her feet, she can reach everything else… but he stupidly believes her when she claims that’s not the case.

-_-

I know I’m a bit of an anomaly (oddly) because I can get my feet to my forehead, but the last I checked… One’s feet are further away from one’s groin. Therefore, the groin shouldn’t be difficult to reach if the feet can be reached.

She…

… Refuses to get an aid.

… Even to the extent that she states that her insurance doesn’t provide for an aid. (It does, but she claimed years ago that since he caused their accident—which was likely due to her arguing with him in the car as she always did—that he should clean her up.)

…Has life insurance on him that he’s having to pay directly out of his own account. And I know what she’ll do. She’ll claim the money, then say she can’t help me if/when he dies.

He’s had at least 1 silent heart attack.

I have years and years of his bank statements where you can see how much she’s financially abused him.

Her son has attacked my father three times this year, the last one resulting in my father beating his nephew over the head with a baseball bat.

She guilted my father out of filing a police report. Again.

She sent a friend to take pictures of my cousin in the hospital to send to her so she could show my father how much he’d “unfairly” hurt her son.

I used to deeply love my cousin, but he’s turned into a monster that I don’t want to be anywhere near anymore.

Oh! My cousin has also stolen from his mother, only for her to “cover up” what he’s done.

IDK. If my adult child stole over $600 from me due to stealing my credit card… yeah, he’d be behind bars for a bit over that.

Though if I had a son with his condition, he also would be in a residential facility—one with people equipped to handle someone like him because he can and has been very violent with no one able to contain him.

Now… my father…

… Has stolen physical money from me.

… Took my car keys from my jeans when I was asleep and took off with my car. It came back smelling like pee for 3 weeks.

… Stole money from my brother.

… Stole money from his nephew.

… Stole money from his sister.

… Threatened to not teach me how to drive if he didn’t get over $100 on one occasion. He went past that and took my entire paycheck.

… Lived with me for months, claimed he had no income, and had me paying his bills.

… Claimed for years that it was my fault he’d tried to sleep with me. Yes, he tried. Yes, I was 26. Yes, I have a history of childhood sexual abuse from someone else and he knows about it.

No, I never got therapy for either of these events.

… My dad also… Still makes me uncomfortable in person. To an extreme degree at this point.

I need to let him know that I don’t want him to touch me at all in person. Handshakes, but not hugs. And since he smells so horrible because of the house he lives in being so gross… I honestly don’t even want him in my car at all.

My conversation with the AI only worsened things. It told me a lot of stuff,

… About how I wasn’t a victim, but a survivor.

… That I shouldn’t have contact.

Now… I know I’m supposed to help my father, but I’ve felt as if I was wasting my time of late.

He wanted me to find him housing. Then did an about face because his sister begged him to stay and told him that it would be cruel to leave her alone without anyone to care for her.

He wanted to get his own refrigerator with food to keep my cousin from wasting it.

My cousin will eat half of a meal, then shove all of the food into the trash. Instead of putting it aside for a different meal.

It seems okay at first, until you look at the fact that your grocery bills go up because he opens things like chips and leaves them on the counter or opens milk and drinks it all down. He got a plate of hot food recently, kept it in his room for 4 hours, then dumped it all – untouched – into the trash.

So now my dad refuses to buy groceries.

—

In the last few days, whenever I try to speak with dad, he says he’ll call me back, then doesn’t pick up or call me. And I’m fed up.

I’m seriously tired of dealing with any of them.

Looking at my past history with them, who can blame me?

But I can’t help but feel like I’m being petty for how I’m reacting.

I mean, the AI did bring up a valid point… and I feel like it’s a reality I’ve been running away from.

Dad called me yesterday and noticed that something was off. I told him to call me later, knowing he never would.

My father’s side came into my life when I was 20… so now I have an entire two+ decades of wishing I’d never met any of them.

I regret it all.

I regret willingly letting them interfere with my life.

I regret getting that paternity test last year. I should have formally declared my independence from them instead last year and blocked all of them. Because now I have physical evidence of being related. -_-

I regret ever helping any of them.

I want to just give up and let dad and his sister deal with their own personal chaos.

… And when she blows all of the money as she always does because she’s selfish and greedy… I don’t want to step in.

However, in Ephesians 6:2–3, Paul noted that respecting one’s parents wasn’t just tied to the Mosaic Law, but what Christians should also do.

By ‘honoring,’ I’d ensure he had what he needed and be respectful, but contact beyond that?

Mind…

Neither of my parents raised me. In fact, my mother was abusive to me when I was growing up. But I still made sure she was cared for in later life. And when she died, I had forgiven her. She was mentally ill too… severely so.

I don’t know if she ever forgave herself.

My father is a whole other thing because he comes with his siblings and nephew.

And baggage.

I have so much terrible baggage from them. My treatment from my father’s family was worse than my mom — because with my mom, my contact was limited.

I’m conflicted… and I want to plug this into another AI to figure out what to do.

Stupid right?

A friend of mine had advice, but I can’t even remember what it is right now. I’m going to ask my other friend in the morning.

Then… there is also my creative side.

If you’ve reached this part of the blog post, it’s readily evident that I’m a writer. In MSWord, this blog post is now officially 6 pages long.

My family doesn’t even respect that.

Years back, my aunt asked for an autographed copy of my book. I got her one, then asked a bit later how she liked the book.

She told me that she only reads things she had interest in.

The same goes for any food. She had me make a loaf of honey oat bread, never touched it, let it turn green—then told me it went bad because of no preservatives.

My desserts are never sweet enough.

My meals lack any flavor to her.

Even my homemade pickles were no good. Until I asked for the jar back. Then, they were “tolerable.”

To where she gets nothing now.

I asked my dad if he’d like to listen to my PC read off a chapter I was working on.

Told him it was a 30-minute listen.

He claimed it was too long.

… Meanwhile, he’d just watched a 2-hour long address from the president. A man that he repeatedly states how much he dislikes.

Does that mean that to my family… what I have to say has less value than what the president says? Mind, I didn’t watch the address, but I couldn’t help be hurt by the inference.

My dad’s also asked me if I write my own stuff or have the AI write it. Which is very insulting. When I told him I did, he asked how much the AI fixed my writing.

Do I have a valid reason to shut out normal communication with him right now?

I think I do.

I’m mentally ill, yes, but that shouldn’t be used as a crutch by them either.

He’s “jokingly” told me that he wasn’t aware how crazy I could be some days, and that he got off the phone with me on purpose then. Instead of trying to help and ask what was bothering me.

~J. Lyst

Apologies. This seems almost like a rant to me. And maybe it is one. Should I feel bad for ranting about how horrible I feel due to dealing with the kind of family members I have?

I don’t think I should feel sorry… At all.

They never seem to feel bad for being terrible people.

Why was I so upset that my father dodged me on the 29^th?

My mother’s dead, so I can’t speak with her. And my grandmother’s been dead for decades now. She died on the 29^th.

Think my father’s family cares?

Yeah, I don’t think so either.

Why care for someone else when it doesn’t benefit you?

It’s all a waste of time anyway… right?