Hey, Miss J!

I have a problem.

It’s a frustrating one and hails from the days when I was actually able to go out and work.

Back then, I always fretted about being able to pay bills. After a while, I stopped constantly spending with the cards because I was struggling to pay them off quickly.

I was doing so well in 2019…

Then mom died.

… And I found out my job location was closing.

Then I got laid off.

Then COVID.

Then, the car accident with my dad and aunt.

Then, I got really sick…

My mental health had already been deteriorating more and more over the years. Constant stress was always beating me down at work. I was angry with the unfairness of what I had to deal with on a regular basis.

I’m only one person, but I was doing the work of five in less time than what would be needed for just a lone person.

I was constantly depressed and often hated myself. I had thoughts of suicide for years. I was also plagued with at times violent mood swings that made life so much harder to deal with.

In the last year, I haven’t wanted to kill myself, but I still have days when I wake up and wish I had died. That’s more to do with how horrible I feel physically rather than emotional pain.

One of my friends asked me if I was on too much medication because my health spiraled after I started taking them. I explained to her that there are two ways to look at it. On one hand, I could not take the medication and probably feel better physically… but I wouldn’t be all there mentally.

Then, you have the other hand, right? On the other hand, I take my meds like I’m supposed do, maybe feel like a freshly vomited hairball, but am mentally stable.

My mood stabilizer was ultimately at the core of me being able to focus enough to do anything. I’m lagging now not due to being lazy, but due to being so uncomfortable and constantly tired. I’ve dealt with severe fatigue for years, but it’s a lot worse now.

Between that and the declining strength in my legs and worsening symptoms in my upper body…

The painful truth of it all… is that the weakness was there before the additional meds, but it did worsen after I started taking the antidepressant. Then the anxiety meds, and the mood stabilizer… then the other meds to keep my stupid body functioning.

The problems with my spine would have been there regardless of what I did. Being bipolar and having major depressive disorder wasn’t something I could have escaped. I inherited the genetic blueprint for these problems.

Would I have had the stroke when I did if not for the meds? No clue… am I still upset over it? Sure am. I’m now having to deal with anxiety of being alive and being very aware that my life could come to a frightening end or get me close enough to taste it.

IDK what to call it.

My frustration tonight is due to once again my budget not balancing. It’s my fault tbh.

I look at it this way. If I didn’t have a cat or a car, I would probably be fine. If I didn’t have to eat, I would also be fine. Well, that’s not true. I probably would have starved to death.

I did tell a friend of mine that I do plan on eating like a hog that’s been starving for ten days though. That means I eat a bunch of vegetables, have fruit and smoothies and lots of protein in the forms of beans, protein shakes or meat.

If I didn’t have to pay for my funeral arrangements or a security system… the problem would be a lot smaller.

But…

I don’t want to leave my friends to deal with my corpse and any of the resulting chaos that comes from it all.

Then there’s my family…

I have conflicting feelings about my family. I really do. Specifically with my father. I try very hard not to remember the bad things I’ve had happen to me with him.

With my stepfather.

The mess with my ex.

All of it…  

It was suggested at one point from one of my physicians that I look for a trauma therapist… But, I’m hesitant. I’ve no clue if my insurance would cover a psychiatrist and a trauma therapist.

What on earth would all be dragged up?

Do I need to deep dive into the past?

Considering the effects of sexual traumas has lingered for so long… I don’t know.

I’m very open about my mental illnesses and low opinions of myself… On my blog, I’m even very open about some of what’s been in my past.

What I’m afraid of—I think… is the ‘homework’ I might be given… Would I have to have very uncomfortable conversations with family?

Again?

Would I have to seek out my ex and have a confrontation? I’m sure in that sense there is a better chance of a snowball surviving in a 2,000-degree oven. I absolutely cannot stand even the memory of my ex. With every year, that face gets blurrier… thank goodness.

What hurts with family is that… To this day, I am blamed for what happened to me.

IDK.

How on earth frustrations about my financial situation melded into a stroll down the memory lane of horrors is beyond me.

And my home needs some additional repairs to make it more sound.

IDK.

Currently listening to some Lara Fabian and hoping that I get some ideas for NtC.

Also about to hop into a lesson.

Early.

Google search: “Does Lara Fabian sou…” Autofill: “sound like Celine Dion.”

Hmm… I wish they’d done a duet.

~J. Lyst

I’m not even going to contemplate apologizing for this blog post. It’s part of my therapy.