Hey, Miss J!

There’s a slew of them asked by different people, but all tied to a single theme.

“Are you pregnant?”

“Have you ever been pregnant?”

“Are you planning to get pregnant?”

“Do you have any children?”

“Do you want to have children someday?”

Doctor’s visits, meeting new people… It just goes on and on.

I used to not care when I got asked that question, because I knew that there was some far flung possibility that I could have children in the future. After I had my hysterectomy though? I felt and sometimes still feel like less of a woman.

All I have left are my ovaries. That’s it. No cervix, no fallopian tubes, no uterus… it hurts.

I felt like something was missing. I still do.

Something really is missing… some small organs and body parts I hadn’t had nearly as much focus on until they were gone.

A family member recently told me, “I understand” in reference to it, and I tried to explain that unless you’ve had a surgery like that, and at such a young age, there is no way for you to understand.

No way at all.

I wish they were like a woman I worked with years ago. She thought that I was pregnant probably because of how I was standing. My posture is not always the best. When I explained that I physically couldn’t have children since the necessary organs were not there, she just burst into tears.

And told me she was so sorry.

She cried almost as hard as I did after my surgery.

It was medically necessary, and I would have died otherwise, but it’s still something that bothers me. Sometimes, I wish I had just let myself die rather than go through this.

And so I try to distract myself with things like listening to music and writing, but all I do is end up writing sappy stuff that makes me sad. I also play the Sims, but again, all I do is have a bunch of happy families that sometimes and sometimes do not get along.

I knew my mother was upset when I told her, but all she asked was if I felt okay and gave me a hug.

My dad has tried hard to take it in stride, and I know he feels bad about it too, but he doesn’t put a voice to it. Nor does he ever state that he understands.

He asks about the grandcats on a daily basis, and asks me what they’re up to. He also talks a lot about his cats, which is nice.

This blog post is a lot sadder than I thought it would be.

Sorry about that.

~J. Lyst