Hey, Miss J!

If you could have one thing, what would it be and why?

In the past, I would have said “if only I could go back…” But going back is a waste of time. The strongest memories we tend to have are the negative ones, aren’t they? The problem with our minds is that over time, the ‘wrong’ gets blown out of proportion… and we might even start adding things in that didn’t happen.

I learned something today.

Or relearned I should say.

Nostalgia can be a snare.

The “good old days” weren’t nearly as good as we like to tell ourselves they were.

I used to miss my 20s. I was physically stronger than I’d ever been in my life, and I had a routine that kept me going.

But…

I was in a terrible relationship… with a person who readily took advantage of my trusting nature, caring for an ailing family member and finding my life growing gradually hollow.

I was in regular contact with my dad and aunt… but they kept sticking me in the middle with their arguments. Or my aunt would go on some random tangent, and I truly felt like I was being dragged along.

It was so quiet at night. Even when I was out and about, I still felt… just a little bit off.

Empty.

Now, I have no problem with the quiet at night. In fact, I need it to sleep.

I don’t feel hollow inside.

I’m slowly learning that I can call on friends for aid if I need it.

Even for a kind word.

I have gone no contact with my entire family. On mom’s side, it doesn’t matter. I don’t have any wealth, so they have no time for me. My dad’s side is harder because I want to talk to my dad.

But how do you speak to someone who has another person going through their phone?

Can’t send picture messages because he’s not the only one who sees them.

Can’t send texts for the same reason.

If “he” calls, it might not be him. And if I call, he kept putting the calls on speaker.

Since I upgraded to Google Messages, I can’t even see blocked texts, so I truly have no idea how he’s doing.

… and I just figured how to swap back to Samsung Messages.

Why leave him blocked but look at blocked messages? If I unblock him, I might accidentally call… and I literally had a nightmare when that happened. I was so shaken when I woke up that I realized it was best for me to keep the status quo.

Do I at times feel traumatized by his sister? Yes.

It’s been too much over the last few years.

I suppose the power she has to keep me away from my father must feel pretty good about now.

…Though I doubt my father appreciates her efforts.

So, if I could have that one thing, what would I want?

I would want to see my mom alive again and for us to live together… Forever.

At some point, I know I’d get the fully fleshed out pizza recipe she had. I’m suspicious that what I have is only half of the real thing.

It hit me, after she died, just how grateful I was that I’d worked hard to mend the relationship I had with her.

Will I ever resume communications with my father?

I’ve honestly no clue.

We’ll see what the future holds, eh?

~J. Lyst