Hey, Miss J!

You come to know how bad things are… when you pray in gratitude for making it into your home.

Which is exactly what I did tonight.

I thanked God Almighty that I was able to get into my home safe and sound.

I’ve felt tired and ill most of the day, so I delayed taking out my trash and recyclables. Until it was night…

I’mma say this… it is terrifying here at night. I used to not be bothered, but the sharp uptick in violence since 2022 makes me feel very scared.

I hate feeling like this… but I literally cannot afford to move—anywhere else.

I used my security spotlight to completely light up the area I had to go through.

It’s a very short distance, but because of mobility issues… and the fact that my body hurts so much… it is so so risky for me to be outside after dark. I want to kick myself… but I did have to take out the recyclables. It’s over a month’s worth. In fact, there was so much that there’s lots still left in my home.

Even in the daytime it’s dangerous. I was at a pharmacy a couple months ago and a car with tinted windows drove into the lot and pulled up perpendicular to me.

And by tinted windows, I mean completely black. Couldn’t see who or what was in there, just that the driver’s side window was right there…

And they sat there for a while…

I was scared to get out my car.

I was scared to stay in the car.

I was scared to turn the car on to get away.

Thankfully, after six minutes, they made it a point to drive around my car and go right back out the parking lot.

Between all of the shootings, armed robberies, carjackings and now instances of people being pepper-sprayed and/or stabbed…

Yeah, I really don’t like it here anymore.

And it’s going to get worse, I know.

I’ve already had my car broken into this year… just a few days into January. There was nothing there to steal… except dirt off the mat. So, they left trash in the car instead.

Late last year, someone violently keyed my car while I was at another pharmacy. They probably looked in and saw the lock in the car and decided to vent.

… At least they didn’t bust my windows.

But they also kicked and partially damaged my bumper.

I refuse to spend over $200 to repair that.

I’m serious.

Aside from the heart pounding fright I’ve experienced… I’m also frustrated.

Because tomorrow, I have to walk to my doctor’s office.

I’m on a cane… and I’m seriously debating leaving my credit card and other cards I keep in my wallet—at home.

It’s ridiculous.

And then… I think about the fact that I can’t just live in fear all day long.

Just remember to express gratitude I woke up and ask for protection on the way to my appointment.

Why do I get so scared?

It’s well established that I am mentally ill. Paranoia has only worsened over time.

I already have PTSD, Major Depression, BPD, Anxiety and am Bipolar.

… Which reminds me to go take my anxiety meds for the night…

I also pray to remain calm when I have to do something stressful, like all the driving I did today.

But still… the fear creeps in every so often, like when I do stuff like this.

~J. Lyst

I’ll be a bit wired tonight, so it’s time (probably) for me to start working on a tentative outline.

For which story?

You’ll have to tune into my page on FF.net or AO3 to find out.

Been debating joining Wattpad too.

Oh dear…