Hey, Miss J!

I can’t complain much about today. However, I am frustrated with myself. Since I didn’t get enough sleep last night, that threw everything else off today.

I have fantastic news though…

I have hot water again.

I’m so happy! I look forward to a warm shower in the morning. I’m in the midst of loading up my ‘Chore List’ for tomorrow and remembered that I nearly forgot to do my daily French lesson. I kind of like it, but I’m trying to do extensive review so I can remember prior lessons. I have two separate programs that I’m using.

I napped and that obliterated time I had for any chores today.

… Well, this post is better than what I’d intended. Which was simply to state:

                                “I Miss My Mom.”

Those few words carry a lot of meaning.

I can look at her picture without crying nearly as much. It’s not a good feeling to be alone like this… I know she didn’t intentionally leave me, but it doesn’t hurt any less to know she’s gone. My father is still alive, but we’re not on speaking terms at all. Because of… reasons that I can’t quite go into detail about.

Not yet.

I think I’m coming to a point when I’m beginning to unpack my feelings about my mother and bring myself closer to the present. Sure, our history was a very troubled one, all gunked up with misunderstandings, selfishness on both our parts and mental disorders.

As I found out in the last few years up to today, I not only have PTSD from a childhood where I was molested – exposed to porn when I shouldn’t have – and encouraged to engage in foul behavior, anxiety and depression.

I’m also bipolar on top of that. Which means I sometimes don’t even make sense to myself. I never understood the condition looking from the outside, but having it on the inside makes it harder.  

I wish I knew sooner! Before she died!

Or maybe I knew and didn’t want to acknowledge it… Like people who are really sick, but don’t want to find out what it is. Cos if they don’t know, they’re not sick at all, right?

Right??

Being unwell mentally… It’s like this terrible roommate that never wants you to know its there, doesn’t want to leave and leaves garbage and filthy laundry all over the place.

The entire time, you’re sitting around, wondering why you hate everyone or everything around you one day and want no one near, then are excruciatingly lonely the next day.

And since you feel so awful, you don’t bother with simple things… like showering or handling any other aspect of your personal care such as brushing teeth or taking medications that might be quite vital. Eating takes too long.

And you also wonder why you have such terrible self-control some days. Why oh why do you pick such terrible people to be your partner? Thinking back, I honestly can say… that I never had a decent relationship with any of my exes. None of them.

They were also selfish… the last one bled my account dry before I ended it. And yes, I mean my bank account.

They were all twisted and messy people.

I was a mess too.

I still am to an extent.

~J. Lyst