Hey, Miss J!

If I was asked about twenty years ago where I saw myself… I don’t think I would have ever expected myself to be here. Unfortunately, I was in the habit of never having any long-term plans.

I just… drifted for a solid ten years it seems…

So, when things began to fall out the bottom for me, I found myself scrambling for solid ground. Everywhere I reached though, I couldn’t get a good grip. And because at the time, I had no base even when it came to friends… I had no one to lean on.

I was very angry ten years ago. Angry at everything. At that point, I was a solid four years out of an awful relationship. I haven’t had anything that horrible since…

Of course, that’s also because I swore that I would remain single after that.

I have sexual trauma from childhood and adulthood… so it distorted my view of everything. Things that aren’t appropriate—I’m not as horrified to see or hear it considering all the stuff I was exposed to.

I have fantastic friends now, but if only I’d had them then… I wouldn’t have ever gotten into that relationship… and the nightmares that followed once it was over.

I’m not a fan of infidelity at all, especially not with someone I was engaged to. Being cheated on with 1 person is bad… but when it’s m-u-l-t-i p-l-e people…

Yeah.

That’s an even more severe problem.

And it’s a decision I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.

Being impulsive could have cost me my life.

Being reclusive meant that I was delayed in making any lasting friendships. Lasting friends could have led me away from that messy period of my life.

And my upbringing meant that I was delayed in understanding most things.

But now?

Now…

I do still have problems sometimes with understanding certain social cues.

I wouldn’t have even bothered going back then if I had the chance. There’s nothing at all in the past that I want to cling too much to. And unfortunately, my tiny mind primarily remembers the bad side of everything.

So…

Did I ever imagine I would be living single, disabled, childless and with two cats for company?

No. I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure I saw myself married, healthy, with three kids at least. And probably a dog.

~J. Lyst

We can’t always get what we want.