Hey, Miss J!

…Give up. Though navigating through years of neglected mental health almost led me in the wrong direction, I am so grateful to have medical intervention to help me. Something that I tell my friends now—since I have the experience—is that there is no shame in asking for help when you need it.

I was so scared at first when I was diagnosed with Type 1 Bipolarism. I was already undergoing treatment for Major Depressive Disorder.

I later found out in legal documentation that I had borderline personality disorder too… The only things I lacked that my mother had was auditory and visual schizophrenia and anger management issues.

Though when my mood “swung,” I most certainly found it hard to control my temper. It seemed like everyone and everything was trying to aggravate me. I both said and did things that I usually regretted too.

Is that why I was kicked out of that Discord?

Probably. I couldn’t control myself… but then again, what was really aggravating me was what I saw on there. That made everything worse for me.

Mood swings all day long. I might be hyper and full of energy and want to do all the things… then I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

I never thought to call the Suicide & Crisis hotline, though I’ve had suicide ideation since I was in high school. Though my psychiatric trauma goes even further back.

And… for anyone else, well… Just in case, the number now is 988. Text that number or call it. Their website is also here: https://988lifeline.org/ They are available 24/7 for those who need help.

For reference, I’m nearly 40 and am just in the last few years handling problems that were there over twenty years ago.

On top of mental health problems… or rather to compound them, my physical health was also on a downward course.

It still is. However, I’ve finally begun to accept my circumstance… though I do get angry sometimes or feel helpless when I can’t do certain things that were easy in my early 20s.

Like opening a jar for crying out loud. I used to just grab a lid, twist and it was off! I bought something recently that’s supposed to help, but it requires you to hold it and squeeze to open the jar.

Guess who has a significantly diminished grip now?

Yeah… still tapping jars on countertops to open them. And sometimes screaming at the jar to just open up, already!

I used to carry 50 or 60lb bags of sand. Now, my extremely elderly cat (who will be 21 years old in a few months)—who weighs less than 10lbs feels heavy some days.

And my 25lb dumbbells are still here… as if mocking me. I can pick them up still, but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever curl with them again… and 25lbs is nearly at the max I can lift now.

I used to powerlift. So, I hauled 150-160 lbs at my lower back and could handle 300lbs on my upper back. I maxed out the machine and used to ask the staff if they could slap another 200lbs onto it.

Not joking at all.

I was curling 35lbs without a problem. My dad taught me correct form, but I was taken down by organic and inherited problems.

He used to brag about how huge my shoulders and biceps were (since half my DNA comes from him. I spose he thought it was the really strong half…) My calves were big too.

I leg pressed 418lbs… which was just a little under my dad back in the 80s. He did 450.

I still run up the stairs because in my mind, it’s more painful to take your time… you have longer to think about how much it hurts. But when I reach the top, my legs are burning as if I’ve run a race.

They hurt even if I just casually walk up the stairs now.

There’s a lot that I still must do which pushes the limits of what I can do… unfortunately. But hey, clean clothes can’t be obtained if I don’t wash them, and the trips up and down the stairs really wear on me… but the motivation I have is to not stink or be itchy.

Food also can’t be cooked or eaten if I don’t use the stairs. Nor can the toilet or my bed be reached.

Have had days where I had to almost crawl up the stairs. I refuse to not be able to maneuver at all, but if this stuff with my back progresses too quick, I might just end up in a wheelchair long before my time.

When I’m out, I use my cane, because my left leg is mostly numb… all the time. I can navigate in my home and know where I can grab to help me balance if need be. Or just pray that I don’t land on one of the cats if I do fall.

I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I accidentally kill one by falling on them.

I do have canes on two levels of the house. Just in case.

Despite what I deal with now, I’m still very driven now… to live. I like life, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Hearing birds outside and knowing the sun’ll rise on another fresh day always make me happy now.

… Just wish the same birds wouldn’t poop on my car, but we can’t always get what we want.

~J. Lyst

I also wasted over TEN HOURS playing BitLife and the mobile Sims FreePlay. And too much money… like $40… which is a lot for me.

Never.

Ever…

AGAIN. No sir and no ma’am!

Now I have life stuff that I need to go and do… plus I completely missed my reading last night. I’m furious about that.

But first… food. I literally have a headache from being hungry.

Does that help with my weight loss? No clue. I’m trying to get back into the habit of watching what I eat and moving a lot more. Which… is not easy considering the circumstances.

The moving part.

Pfft!