Hey, Miss J!

@11:49PM. Sorry about this.

Post:

For many years, I never saw much value in myself. I think I was… and still am to an extent – emotionally stunted.

I’m the youngest of three, but unlike my older siblings… neither of my parents had any hand in raising me. My father was never there and my mother saw me as an inconvenience. Even though I knew I had the love and approval of my grandparents – it hurt that I never had it from my mom.

Life seemed utterly unkind to me for so many years. So many people lost, so many years wasted in resentment.

Inside, I’ve always been that little girl who just wanted her momma to tell her, “I’m so proud of you sweetie,” or “I love you honey.”

…Without others watching or for something in return.

By the time I received any of that… I had so little time left with her.

And it hurts.

I want so badly to act like it doesn’t hurt anymore, but it really does. Many of my friends claim they understand, but they don’t.

They gawp at how I – at nearly 40 years old – am still learning things I should have known when I was 18.

They discuss all the things they could do when they were eight. I didn’t even know how to make toast. My grandmother refused to teach me how to cook – said it was my mom’s job. My mom refused to teach me how to cook – because she didn’t want to bother.

It doesn’t matter how many times I mention how heavily sheltered I was… how I got yelled at for even doing dishes… how I was told not to even take out the trash and how much of a nightmare it was to figure out how to even care for my own hair… My friends don’t understand that I had to grow up quickly suddenly right after 20… and I had barely any life skills.

When that happened, all I knew was how to write checks.

Seriously. I had no clue what was balancing or how to manage a checkbook and suddenly found myself caring for a household.

I couldn’t drive, didn’t know how to shop for groceries. I barely knew how to ride the bus.

I didn’t know how to do laundry, or even cook. I barely knew how to shower properly because we didn’t have a working shower for many many years…

Now though? Don’t mess with my shower time. I enjoy it. Every day of my life that I complete on a decent note, even if it’s low… That is an accomplishment for me.

Sitting down and considering it now, I’m not only heartbroken, I’m angry. The sheer rounds of “pass the buck” when it came to teaching me things is staggering when I look back at it.

How bad was it?

Bad.

I wasn’t even …

This is irritating to note, but I wasn’t even potty-trained until I was 5. All because no one wanted to deal with it. One of my mom’s coworkers potty-trained me in 30 minutes. Even though my mom was in the same building at the time. She still refused to bother.  

This coworker told my mother that I wasn’t impossible to train, that I wasn’t stupid nor was I stubborn. I just did not know.

Matter of fact… I think that same coworker taught me how to tie my shoes too.

How sad is that?

These are very basic things that any kid at age 5 would already know.

But I knew very little.

Cos no one took the time.

Being good in classes, being able to write and do art, playing instruments or singing are nothing at all compared to being able to make eggs and toast as an adult.

And how to make coffee. Ugh, that one was so awkward. I think the first time I did, I used flour because I didn’t know what to put in coffee. I was always told not to linger in the kitchen so I never knew.

So now at the age of nearly 40, I’m starting to understand how to properly clean my home.

I still do laundry the same way I always have. Never understood that sorting was required, and since I had no running hot water for several months from last year to this one, I started washing everything in cold water.

I picked up a life skill in my 20s because I didn’t want to deal with the barber’s… so I started cutting my own hair and for years rocked a full fro-hawk.

As an adult, I also learned something I never expected… My mom was raised by the same people and even into her 50s, didn’t know how to care for her own hair. She didn’t even know how to clean it properly.

Also, despite having a relative who knows well about proper make-up techniques, I had to teach myself how to use makeup. Now I think I asked in my late 20s, early 30s for help…

She flatly refused.

She at one point also found it amusing that she helped me learn how to shop for clothes. Because – surprise surprise – I didn’t know how to shop for clothes for myself either.

Not long ago she reminded me that dad taught me to drive.

That’s true… but he also charged me for it, and one day called me and threatened to not help me at all if I didn’t give him more money… over $100 more. He took my entire paycheck for that week. Cussed me out for taking so long to get him the money…

And still demanded additional payment before my next lesson.

So… Yeah.

Nice, right? Wasn’t in my life, then when he finally was – always demanded money.

I’ve since been trying to get myself to be forgiving of it.

All of it…  

Because it was in the past I, need to let it go… but sometimes those old hurt feelings come up all over again.

Now, I’m learning about the benefits of being reasonable to the thoughts and feelings of others.

I’m trying… but it’s hard talking to people in person. I never know what to talk about. I usually end up standing there awkwardly – daydreaming because no one’s speaking to me.

I have noticed areas where I’m prickly, such as when knowledge I actually have of a subject is immediately claimed as inaccurate. I was fuming one day and actually went and stuck my mouth guard in because I was grinding my teeth.

The dentist has warned me about doing that. He suggested where I was and said I probably do that in my sleep.

Nah doc. I wake up with drool all inside my CPAP’s face mask and my tongue hanging out my mouth.

Can’t be grinding my teeth with my tongue all in the way.

The question of the day – of the hour – is this.

Do I see value in myself now?

Well, to my blood family, I’m worth $0 now since they can get nothing from me.

Nothing.

No food. No money. No attention. Nothing. It’s almost as if they were never in my life, and the only one I even text is my dad.

No calls, no videochats. Just texts and maybe a letter every now and then.

To my friends, I am worth a lot. They tell me that they value insights I have in several things. Especially tech.

I like to think now that my surpluses balance out my deficiencies. Sort of.

And… I like… myself. Sure, I have a lot of problems, several that would have been nonexistent if my upbringing had been different.

I still overshare too, but that’s mainly to my closest friends. What I speak about here is what I’m comfortable sharing with the public.

A biggie is my actual name, because if you google it, my book pops up as the first hit on the search engine.

Ugh.

So… now back to my reading. I’m happy that I was beginning to adjust my views of various things before seeing this.

Granted, the sheer amount of theft and violence revealed on the Ring’s Neighbor section makes me want to move. Where would I go? Where is there to be found safety and confidence that I won’t be attacked or robbed of the hunk of rusted metal I call a car?

They always say “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”

I’m glad I was able to vent. I was sobbing at the beginning and relied solely on touch typing.

To give a realistic view of how long I took, this document was created at 10:26PM… and it’s now 11:25PM. It will be a bit later when this goes up. I’m posting as soon as I’m done writing it.

Did not expect my vent-session to be too long. But hey! At least it’s not as long as one of my chapters!

As soon as I get my head back in order, complete my lesson and clean my room – I’ll start a game plan. Chapter 2 of OA is currently in limbo in terms of editing.

~J. Lyst

Oh, and speaking of games… the “Realistic Birth Mod” made for the Sims 4 is insane. As usual, I read none of the material or instructions. I freaked out when I saw my pregnant Sim was going to be in labor for three days. Between that all of her howling and screaming – and me thanking myself for NEVER AGAIN installing WickedWhims – I still saw more of my sim than I expected even with the blur.

I found out afterwards that this mod introduces labor emergencies, the administering of epidurals in the game along with sonograms, blood tests, pap smears and Pitocin… That last one comes with a 2% chance of uterine rupture. And emergency C-Sections.

I haven’t voluntarily cursed in years, but I felt the words wanting to bubble up. By the time the sim’s kid slid out of her and yes it was a slide. I saw it. By then, I was crying right along with her.

I saw on different simmer channels what the C-section looks like uncensored… and realized I might have seen a whole lot more of my sim with her having a water birth.

If not for the blur.

I also saw on one video how a sim dropped down to all fours and gave birth on the grass outside her house.

Then… of course, there are the extra sounds, such as with the um… Breast pumps. My sim’s emote panel spanned the entire line it seemed, with her feeling as if her breasts were going to explode to her literally having leakage in her clothes. To humiliation with her rapidly losing bladder control all the way down to… “Well taken care of Sim,” and the happy to be pregnant ones.

Yeah.

At that point, I don’t know if she had stains on the front of her shirt, I didn’t notice.

However, when I get back to my village sims… I will pay closer attention.

I’ll be importing my ‘test’ family over into the gameplay for the villagers.

I think that mod leads to weight gain too, so it’ll be interesting, since my villagers are all super active and go running when they get frustrated – or just bored.

And I’ve extended far past my ~ signature.

And I’m also now on page eight in MSWord.

Sorry about that.

Should I keep going? I have no clue. As it is, I’ve never had a post this long. Least I don’t think so. Then again, I’ve never had such an emotional upheaval in such short order. I think I spent too much time today wriggling around in pain from a reaction to my vaccines and from being half delirious from it too.  

I cleaned out my tank, hose and mask… and still went to sleep without them on.

Seriously… I don’t understand that at all. Why would I clean the device and then not use it! I’m so happy that my lungs didn’t feel like they were glued together this morning…

Okay, I’m over 2K words.

Sorry again!

Page 9!

-_-

~J. Lyst – Part 2.