Hey, Miss J!

No… but really. I got the idea for this particular blog post from a family member. My family members don’t get along with each other – at all.

The constant clashing, conflicts and disputes are why I tend to keep some space between them and myself.

It also helps that I live a state over.

It wasn’t that easy at all to detach though… Not at first. I was so used to speaking to one of them, commiserating with them and technically ‘playing’ both sides. I didn’t want to get into the conflict, but I wanted to show that I supported them.

Yet… I still got into arguments with them. Lots of screaming things that I would say in the moment… and then I felt absolutely horrible about it.

How utterly foolish of me to do that! I put myself through years of psychiatric distress. I became a very angry, sullen and bitter young woman. It was difficult for me to not rehash how I’d been wronged by other people and not fixate on it…

Trying to create scenarios of what I’d do had I been able to do it again. How much I would be willing and even yes… eager to cause so much suffering to them!

That is so very unhealthy. And toxic.

As time has passed, I’ve learned to put my foot down with them. The first thing I had to do was start finding other ways to have items delivered and receiving them. Can you imagine the inanity of driving over an hour to pick up 3 packages? When there were places for pickup near me?

Once I detangled that aspect of my life from theirs, I abruptly cut contact for a solid month. I revived it once I thought things had settled down and guess what happened?

All of the madness ramped right back up again. The feeling is akin to that wonderful wash of bile you feel right before you vomit. Once that force is behind it, it can’t be contained.

I remember screaming quite often after getting off a call or just pulling at my own hair. All of my nervous habits returned, and I found myself chewing on the skin of my fingers again.

You would think the pain would stop me, but it did not.

I cut contact again. And again. And again.

Until I learned there was something else I had to do. Which was speak up for myself.

I’m pretty softspoken most of the time, and because I have a problem with hearing what people are saying clearly at times, I can’t properly follow conversations either. If someone’s two feet away and looking to the side, I struggle. If I’m in an area with a crowd…

Yeah, comprehension flies out the window. I was near one of my friends tonight – within 12 inches and still could barely understand what she was saying.

Well… let’s be honest. I only heard 15% of what she said and what I heard was all jumbled.

It’s embarrassing when I have to tell one of my friends that I wasn’t able to hear them properly. Unfortunately, that’s part of my life.

Still… I’m not loud – unlike them – and pretty docile most of the time. I don’t like disagreements, which led me in the past to just rolling over like an idiot.

So, when I stood up to my family… They didn’t take it too well. The issue was over borrowing my car. I’m having problems with even standing upright at times, so driving long periods is stressful for me. I suppose they figured since my car didn’t move much that I wouldn’t mind letting them use it.

I had two of them… two try to convince me to agree. I explained how one complained about how the other had totaled two of their cars in two years. I then stated: “I will not have my vehicle be the third, because I know that none of you… none over there will be wiling to replace it or even help with repairs if it wasn’t destroyed.

My vehicle is over 20 years of age. I’ve gotten used to having her here. So… I stated: “No, absolutely not! I will not. Do not ask me! No! No! No!”

I was angry at the time too because I was near my psychiatrist’s office and my temper was already close to snapping over how I was being treated by one of the other staffers there.

The next day, the same one that complained about the two cars tried it again. Noting how they’d helped me in the past. And then said: “And when x.x needs your help, you’re saying no?”

To which I replied, “I know that my words aren’t always easily understood so I’ll repeat it. Slower. No. No. No. No. Oh! And no!”

Then, I had to deal with both of them badgering me until I threatened to not pick up the phone again until the next year. I also explained that I have no monetary value as living person and even less as a dead one, so nothing would come from my end if I died after the fact.

There’s no legal paperwork in place on that end… thank goodness.

Now when they start in and bash each other to me, I’ll state, “I’m not in the mood!” Because I’m not. That shuts the conversation up quickly.

They know that I prefer speaking about pleasant things.

There is absolutely no benefit in holding onto the past mistakes of others. People tend to do that, forgetting they mess up too. You can’t go back and ‘re-do’ what has already happened.

Only wanting to hear pleasant things doesn’t mean I can’t handle bad news… but the bad news shouldn’t be old news about someone.

I asked one to tell me good qualities about the person they complained over.

Silence. Meanwhile, I noted at least ten good qualities about them and explained – it’s not good to only look at the bad things someone has done… and it’s a shame to not be able to know more than two good things… especially since they’ve been around each other for over sixty years.

I know several good things about both of them and have been in their lives for a considerably shorter amount of time!

Granted… now I have ideas for NtC. But… but I have laundry to put away.

All those clean clothes ain’t gonna fold themselves.

I’m so backed up on chores that I want to cry. However, I’m seeing the problem… I need to get back into normal human sleeping patterns. That will fix the problem. If I can at least run around for 60 minutes early in the am, it’ll be better for me over the course of the day.

I suppose that’s it for now. Gonna take my meds, do my evening reading, put clothes away take care of cat and go to bed.

~J. Lyst

If you’ve ever wondered why I don’t use profanity in my dialogue… it’s because I’ve heard too much of it in my family… primarily on my paternal side… and I don’t like the jolt I feel every time I hear it. I’m starting to get angry if I hear cursing in anything.

Hilarious, considering that I was at one point able to curse in eight different languages. Once I cleaned that up, I started working hard to avoid it from other people. My father knows I hate profanity and apologizes if he curses while on the phone with me.

So, no, there will not be a point that my characters in the fanfics will be hurling f-bombs anywhere.