Sometimes I wonder if it’s self-centered or just crude to begin every sentence with “I”… all the time. The other two words would be “my” and “mine.” The concerns and worries only last for a few minutes, but it’s enough to make me cringe just a little.
I’ve no doubt addressed this before, but it was part of a problem for me. Inserting myself, I suppose? Though… that could have been the interpretation of the person who said that.
It doesn’t help that I have more of a submissive personality, so I try to have attention not directed to myself.
I always do that.
Always bowing or bending to the whims of others. I try to adjust my reactions and attitude to suit whoever it is I’m dealing with. I even adapt my speech patterns… unless I’m angry. It’s sometimes difficult, but I try hard to fit in…
I’ve read somewhere that this behavior is called “masking” or some such?
Inside though? I’m still the same. I can’t hide from me, no matter how much I want. I try to let that shine through. How underneath all of it… I’m just a person who wants someone to care.
I can be a pain in the backside, I know. At times, I’m also tactless, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less deserving of love and respect than anyone else.
I miss social cues often, and due to having hearing problems – I have to ask people to repeat what they just said. It’s worse if I can’t see their mouth. It’s just a guess, but I think I’m starting to learn lipreading to some extent.
In some instances, maybe that’s good? If someone is two feet away, I can’t hear what they’re saying clearly, especially if they’re speaking to someone else. I might be standing there, trying to move past them… and I’ll still wait until they see me.
Or clear my throat rather loudly to announce my presence.
I need to get past the habit of nodding in a conversation… as if I have any idea what was just said.
That’s pretty stupid to do, right?
I caught myself doing that twice in a conversation. The rest of it, I had to ask them to repeat three times and gave up.
It’s embarrassing… almost as embarrassing as having to walk with a cane some days.
My mood seems to be improving little by little… thank goodness. I really don’t want my doctor to raise the dosage of my meds again. I already have memory issues and shaky hands. I also now tend to list to one side or another… or find myself leaning forward or backwards too far.
That’s the double benefit of the cane. It can keep me upright.
One of these days though… I have a feeling that I’m going to just fall over without it.
… I just hope the surface I land on is soft.
~J. Lyst
No promises of doing anything other than completing chores tonight. Though TBF, I should just have the heavier stuff carry over to tomorrow.
Pfft.
Hey, Miss J! 
Your Thoughts?