Hey, Miss J!

There are many instances where I’ve wanted to throw my hands up and say: “You know what? I quit!”

Yet… due to circumstances that I technically control, I can’t do that. I can’t just abandon all the responsibilities I have. I can’t abandon my cat or my friends.

I would say family too… but half the time I don’t know if they’d miss me if something ever happened.

I know my dad would certainly care, yeah… but…

Then, I wonder over what my goals are ultimately.

Sure… I tend to take one day at a time, which keeps me somewhat grounded, but what if all my plans crumble up and fall apart. I was so busy today… not the good kind. I helped a neighbor with a PC issue, then had a Zoom call I’d forgotten, along with a doctor’s visit and one with an exterminator.

My phones, both home and mobile, kept ringing.

Over and over. I had to overextend myself, on top of my knees and joints staging a protest on me remaining upright.

For the first time since I’ve started, I feel helpless looking at my chore list for the day. It’s like my “Get Up and Go” got up and went.

I feel like I’ll have to force myself through my chores today. I’ve had a rough few days this week. Sunday was so stressful and then today…

I think my upset right now is due to dealing with some personal business offline. I sit in front of these books, pages and documents… and I want to cry.

I can’t say for certain if I miss what I used to do or am relieved that I’m not doing it at current.

My doctor also warned me that if my mood’s become uneven again before I see her, she’s going to raise my dosage again.

Just because I developed some unfortunate bouts of instability… due to taking that stupid… It was something to help my stomach, but unfortunately, taking that with meds weakens the medications themselves.

I’m on psychotropic medication… and interruptions can push me backwards again. I’m worried that I was so thrown off that I might be back near stage one again.

I honestly want to scream too. I was doing SO WELL!!

I don’t want to go back to being a useless lump again.

Not only did this supplement effect my mood stabilizer, but it also weakened the benefits I had from my antidepressant.

For three days… I didn’t know. The only reason I even looked on the container was because I was having horrible stomach cramps.

Even though I can feel calm sort of settling in again, I can feel wild energy crackling in the background. It’s almost tangible.

It’s intense… it’s unchecked… and it’s how I always felt day to day.

Like I was on fire or about to explode every 5 minutes.

No wonder I want to game instead of doing my assignments or my chores.

… My goodness, I didn’t even set up my medication for this month…

Just a forewarning… The next part of this post deals with some of my digestive issues. You can skip reading if you want.

Still curious? Scroll down.

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I think I’m going to throw out that stuff in the morning and just buy prunes. Lots of prunes.

I can’t do this again. I don’t want to lose all of the progress I’ve gained so far.

… No, I’m throwing that stuff out tonight.

I’d rather deal with constipation for three days… like I was… than have this happen again.

The friend who suggested that needs to know too… Since she’s also diabetic.

I’m using the last of what I have on this card to buy prunes. I can get sauces next month. I have my minced garlic, which is very important.

Even worse, I had to go right after using this stuff, and it was very painful.

When I had prunes… no problems at all. No pain either.

Hopefully CVS has some in the AM.

~J. Lyst

I’m going to force myself to do what I need to… and pray that I return to my favorite form of normal.