Hey, Miss J!

Of course, I’m listening to one of the Canadian singers I started to listening to years ago. The major one – and this sounds odd – but I visited her hometown in April 2001… That one was Celine Dion. One of the music stores we visited had a massive section in the back of dedicated to her.

So, I did what any other fan who was not trying to be too fanatical would do. I bought a CD to bring back with me.

Since I’ve been doing so much cleaning in the house, I’ve been uncovering a lot of older pictures.

I know it’s not just me but…

When I sit and look at pictures, it makes me smile.

There are fragments of treasured moments in time, captured in place so you can view it and remember.

So many things I wish I could photograph. Since I have issues with my color vision at times… I’d love to be able to show others and ask them what they think.

I’ve been debating visiting a place I used to visit years back… Since we had Covid, the place has limited visiting times now. Which isn’t ideal but… can’t complain, right?

I liked going down there to look at the ducks and geese. There were lots of flowers and so many different trees in there. The main building had a koi pool around it.

And at dust, a dark brownish cloud of bats rose from the trees and flew off.

No joke.

There was one spot I picked. I’d circle around for an hour or two to find it… but it’s this outlook. Up there, you have the shadows and seclusion of the trees and the street seems so far away. I used to go up there for a little bit to gather my thoughts.

I think I’d like to visit that place again, take some pictures maybe. I have a Powershoot and a DSLR camera… yet the lens on my cellphone is more powerful than both of them.

Hilarious, no?

There’s so many good things that happened in my life, intermingled unfortunately, with terrible things… but I don’t think my childhood was that bad. At least not all the time.

I miss so many people.

After all, it took nearly three years for me to take my mother’s portrait out of the box. It’s the lone artwork on the wall in my bedroom. I lean back on my elbows and stare at her picture from upside down sometimes.

Would she be happy for me? To see where I am now? Or would she be upset?

Disappointed? I don’t know. I think she would feel sad that I inherited the disease that she took to her grave.

It’s times like these – with my memories – that I am grateful to be on medication for my problems. So, while my eyes get wet, I don’t feel that all-too-familiar sensation of weight crushing my chest… pressing me down and into the dirt.

I don’t become frozen and end up staring brokenly at a wall anymore.

I survived a friend dumping me off like yesterday’s garbage, and I’ll survive this too. It’s pretty rough though. The only parent I have left is one that I truly haven’t spent much time with.

I call him ‘dad’, yeah… but he wasn’t in my life until after I was 20. And some of my earlier memories with him weren’t very good ones either.

I also told my aunt today about my psychiatric conditions. I got angry when she again tried to pin the blame on me for what my father did… along with talking about how she had trauma too, but “got over it” and that I just need to “get over it” and “get it out” of my mind.

I would never blame a rape victim for what happened.

Why should attempted incest be the fault of the victim? She knew I had been exposed to pornographic material since at least the age of 8… My mother watched pornography with me for years, so why would I think it odd to look at it with my dad?

She to this day will say that I never should have done that, knowing how messed up I already from what happened due to both of my parents.

She’s still holding onto that line, even telling me I should forgive him. I told her that sure…

I forgive my dad for grinding against my backside and trying to have sex with me.

However, the trauma of that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I told her that if I sustained a blow to the head and had amnesia, then yeah – I’d forget. Otherwise…?

She also told me that she considers me a member of the family.

It’s very telling that she suddenly said it now. If she had always thought like that and never had doubts or prejudices in her mind, she never would have needed to tell me that I was family to her.

I still have to hold that side at a distance it seems.

Even knowing how messed up my mind is… You know what? Maybe it’s good that I’m mentally ill.

No one in that family can really be sane.

Hmm… More stuff to unpack later, I guess?

~J. Lyst