Hey, Miss J!

Today was pretty good, the evening not so much, but the earlier parts of today were fantastic.

There’s a lot I need to do in my interpersonal relationships, both with my friends and other people.

As for my family… Well, I’m still trying to figure out how to unpack that. I still have PTSD and unfortunately, part of it is linked to my family. I get too easily triggered when I talk to them.

It’s something that I need to work on – getting easily triggered that is.

I’m doing better at getting so badly triggered with others… but with family it’s harder. Family know more about you than your friends..

At least…

That’s how it was with my family for a while.

However, that was because I didn’t have real friends in person. Most – Or rather all – of my friends at the time were people I talked to on the internet. I like to think that they were who they said they were too. Some of them, I’d known for well over two decades.

By the time I stopped speaking online – cutting out people here and there due to a sharp change in my values system, I was down to about three people I spoke with, I think? I started getting so angry and so frustrated with FaceBook.

I’m one of the old schoolers from the days of Myspace. Myspace wasn’t so bad. Neither was AOL. YIM had some serious issues and ICQ was where a lot of the predators were. However, when you shut those things off, they were off. You had to intentionally log on and talk to people and it was mostly one on one.

Yahoo did have some chatrooms, but they were mostly based on hobbies. Or preferences? I think that one suits it more. You could pretty much find anything you were looking for on Yahoo back then.

As insidious as that sounds, it’s the truth.

Now you have today, where I can’t understand or keep up with anything. When I was filming I used to post on occasion on TikTok, but now I’m seriously concerned about that platform.

YouTube Shorts used to be okay… but I also stumbled on some adult very oriented material involving a child on there and reported it. Sometimes on the front of YouTube, it’s suggesting playlists with pornographic images right on the forefront.

Why on earth it’s doing that when I spend so much time looking at Dodo vids and other videos of cats and chipmunks, I have no idea.

It’s disturbing and scary.

I’m sorry.

YouTube doesn’t sound like it should at all be affiliated with PornHub, but it seems to be happening slowly but surely. Maybe it’s becoming the new version of that site?

I don’t know.

My evening was – quite sad in all honestly. This involves someone else and as much as I would love to vent about how sad I am and frustrated too… I can’t.

But do know that when I say I’m sad about all of it, I really am.

I can see longstanding consequences sometimes because of what I’ve experienced myself. I warn my younger friends about things when I see them. I don’t ever want anyone to deal with what I’ve had to live through. My life was by no means a struggle, but between ongoing mental health issues and terrible family relations on one side of the family…

It was a lot. I often wonder what I would have done if I could go back. I think about it a lot.

People talk about ‘The Good Ole Days’ and how things were simpler. I don’t see it quite that way though. Every year, I was under new stresses and would think back over how the previous year was easy in comparison…

That’s not fair. It’s not right either.

If I were to look back and say things were easier, I would be invalidating my current existence.

Not only that, but I would be ignoring a basic truth – that things never were better back in the ‘Good Ole Days’. Back then there were horrible problems too.

It’s like a person in a burning house being tossed into a pool and then complaining about how much warmer the house that they just left was.

“This water is so cold! If I was home, I’d be warmer!”

But… the house was on fire.

Is that a good analogy? I don’t know. I never really know anymore these days.

I also keep remembering when I learned about how the friend of a friend of mine was found dead in her home. She was all alone… Might have been dead for a few days when she was found.

So the most I can say is this.

Tell your loved ones you love them. Hold and hug them tight. If you have a disagreement, one of you has to bend and concede to have any kind of peace.

You never know.

You may run out of time to mend fences….

Don’t let stubbornness or foolish pride get in the way. You’ll live to regret it.

While I still work on mending fences with my own family, I’ll see if I can do the same.

It’s not that I try to harbor grudges. I try hard to let stuff go, but they don’t let things go and are relentless in arguing. They also elevate their voices, cut me off or scream.

They know that it is upsetting when I hear loud sounds like that.

I don’t like to argue with people.

In problems like that? Usually both parties are at fault at the end of the day.

For letting it continue.

~J. Lyst

I’ve been called a coward for walking away from heated discussion.

If I can’t solve a problem diplomatically and the person is still going, I leave if able to. I always hope that they never follow me, because I’ve had that happen. It’s honestly just nerve wracking. And scary.

People can do really bad things when they are mad.

While I do miss speaking with my family, the peace I feel right now is very addicting.

/rant