Hey, Miss J!

Even though it can be difficult to understand or fully comprehend, I want to keep pressing forward in this ofttimes confusing carousel I’m stuck on.

I’m nowhere near the version of myself that I would have wanted to be today by any means.

When I was in middle school and even high school – I envisioned my future as far different than this one.

It’s disappointing … Empty…

I make mistakes. I slip, fall… and sometimes I just stay down there. The harsh realities I have to deal with – need to face about myself some days. It can be a bit much. I find it exhausting to deal with myself most days and the foolish gaffs I keep making.

Though it’s not noticeable at all to people who meet me for the first time, I am a person prone to long bouts of contemplation. Maybe it’s the deep thinking that leads to me falling into terrible spirals of depression.

When I’m depressed, I’m also more prone to violent mood swings.

Maybe it’s a benefit to me that the first assumption people have when they see me is that I’m painfully shortsighted. The second… is that I’m a man.

Then there’s the issue of how I see my appearance. Having low esteem when combing over my history… understandable.

I’m very serious and have a dry sense of humor. I also exhibit a cringe-worthy amount of cheesy humor as well.

Nice to meet you!

My name is Juliette Lyst. I’m weird. And an author. A published one. I’m also older than my pen name claims to be.

As strange as my penname might be, my actual name is also unusual… and rare. Which is why I don’t share it online. At least not voluntarily.

Don’t want any unwelcome visitors.

Then again, I don’t have many visitors at all.

When three of us were here, or even two, I didn’t care at all. Now…

I find peace without too much noise. After all, two people can be quite loud, especially when arguing. But… Sometimes the silence is excruciating.

It makes me disappointed how often I discuss being lonely on my blog – as if that’s something that will ever really change.

It can’t without serious effort from me.

But… I’m not ready to try.

But… the longer I wait, the less success I’ll have at all.

Discomfiture… That’s how I feel regularly.

I don’t talk about “feelings” at all. At least not in real life. It makes me anxious… and not even my meds can help with that.

I have feelings for one of my friends and absolutely no idea how to tell him. It makes me want to cry, really.

I’m just a friend. I’m literally like one of the guys to my male friends. I’m standoffish to the female friends I have around my age. Not because I’m anti-social, but I have no idea what to even talk to them about.

I’m not into fashion at all. I know nearly nothing about makeup or shoes. I don’t know what to talk to young women about. I HAVE NO CLUE!

I’m sure women talk about more than the above topics, but… what else? Aside from cooking and I know not all women can even cook. I’ve heard of some who even burn water.

How do you burn water?!

I can see myself spending the next two hours grumbling about “bad decisions,” getting nothing done and being upset in the AM when I finally go to bed around 5:30AM, only to have to get up again at 8:30AM.

Ugh…

Will I be any different now that the year has a -23 after it? I have no clue.

Maybe I can channel this frustration into my writing?

And into cleaning?

Into sleeping??

Something???

IDK.

Maybe?

Maybe not?

~J. Lyst

I always feel like what I’m about to blog over is profound but by the time I start, whatever it was that I planned to say has already fled my tiny mind.