Hey, Miss J!

Hey there! So… strange news.

The “technical difficulties” proved to take a lot longer to fix than I had hoped.

I was unable to log on to the internet on any browser except Internet Explorer. Turning off my VPN did nothing, nor did nearly crippling my security on the computer.

I had this entire blog post that I couldn’t upload. However, I did save it. Then, I had to back up all the data on my hard drive and dismount the second drive in the computer… so it wouldn’t accidentally nerf all my information.

Eventually, my laptop limped to a stop and didn’t even respond on IE. It’s like the NIC card finally called it in and gave up.

I told it to repair and wipe the main drive. Course… when the computer staggered to life less than 5 minutes later, I knew something was wrong. And there was. It had managed to erase all the biometric information along with my pin and password… but hadn’t cleared all of the data.

I ended up going through the main BIOS menu to have it do a full reset. Now, I have it nearly back to 100%.

But I’m not.

Personally, I’m nowhere near that.

I never thought I’d feel so strange after literally doing a reset on my own computer.

Even though I feel a bit better since last night, parts of the evening carried over into the morning.

I’ll include that post below.

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I have absolutely no clue what to say.

I’m frustrated with myself a lot tonight. For things beyond my control.

I’m physically ill and have mental illness. There’s stigma about mental illness so for literally years I kept quiet about how much I was suffering. My mood swings were and still are utterly horrible and nothing I would wish on my worst enemy.

For months now, I’ve been asking my psychiatrist to please find the paperwork for my bipolarism diagnosis. I know we did it. I remember the paperwork as she tested me one symptom at a time.

It reminds me a bit of when I was younger.

When I was 26, I was told by a lawyer – who sighed in relief – that I was past the age when schizophrenia normally shows signs. Which made me feel immense levels of relief.

Why was it a lawyer though? We were dealing with the repercussions of my mom’s diagnosis of dementia. At the ripe old age of 58, mom scored a 14 on her test. I didn’t realize at the time, but the doctor who diagnosed her had no right to immediately run to a colleague and talk about how he was in shock that a college graduate would score so poorly on an evaluation like that.

I didn’t realize how much he was violating patient confidentiality by doing that.

I could hear his stupid voice down the hall! He didn’t even try to hide it.

All my mom did back then was look at me and ask me if everything was okay.

By then, I’d experienced all the extremes I thought I could with her. The diagnosis of dementia made sense, but I still wonder to this day just how long she really had it.

How many times was she put under emergency hospitalization under an FD-12 hold when dementia might have been to blame.

Since we didn’t spend much time together when I was growing up, I feel so bad now not knowing when her personality would have started to change.

I feel like I was a failure of a daughter for not being more observant. I didn’t even know what her favorite flowers were!!

But I remembered my grandma’s… And she’s been dead over 16 years.

I remembered with a jolt this summer that if I’d had a child around that time, they’d be close to graduating high school.

Then my mood spiraled down because I can’t have children.

I realize that my motivation much of the time for my writing has been due to loneliness and a feeling of loss.

I feel loss for something I never had.

I also remember how heartbroken I felt when I finally told my mom during one of my last visits to see her… about my surgery.

She looked at me and asked if I felt okay.

She was so very clearheaded in that moment.

Then, she hugged me like she always did. She was so scared for me to leave. Was scared I was being followed.

I never thought I’d miss someone so much.

But I still do. As much as it hurt to lose my grandparents, losing my mother was on a whole other level.

Then I think about how I had to go through all this alone.

I’m nearly 40, have never had a husband, let alone a boyfriend and I often ask myself a lot of the “What If’s”. Before my surgery, I hadn’t thought of it that much.

I was starting to feel uncomfortable about what having a hysterectomy meant though… Especially as a young, unmarried woman. I wanted so badly to not need that kind of surgery.

Plus a few friends of mine were expecting a baby around the same time… and I felt so uneasy being near them at all. Let alone looking at them.

In my memories I recall an image of one of my favorite superheroes… And she was behind bars in an orange jumpsuit and screaming, while holding onto the bars.

Maybe I’ve felt like I was imprisoned for the last few years. Trapped inside my own mind but struggling and straining to find some sense of self.

There is no doubt that I have a few compulsive issues that I’m dealing with…

It’s bad for me to go idle for too long.

My dad also recently hit 69 years of age, and I really worry about him. My mother was born one month before him. He’s also been showing signs of dementia for years now but refuses to be tested.

That old man is sooo stubborn… But I wouldn’t change anything about him.

Even though I have serious issues due to what he did to me in the past, he’s still my dad.

I still must do what I can for him.

And underneath all the mess, there’s a genuinely kind and loving person there.

The position I’m in now though… Having taken a fantastic and free IT course, only to fail at properly securing my full certification…

I have nothing but anger and regret over all of that. I feel like I wasted everyone’s time and money. And those tests were $400 a pop, all waived and free. All I had to do was take the second one. I was nearly there…

Had I just taken the time to get the second half, I would be fully certified. Or rather… had I another person’s brain, I would have been able to do that.

I experienced so much this year… I can’t even put it into words.

Aside from mental issues, I’ve dealt with having feelings for two of my male friends. One, I confessed to.

He was not interested, and we’re back to being buds.

The other, I have not made a peep to. Instead, I send him food pictures.

One the one hand, I want so much for him to be my partner.

On the other… I know how much of a dumpster fire my life is.

Would it be fair for me to drag someone else into this nightmare?

I don’t know…

~J. Lyst

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I’ll add as an aside that I finally told my dad that I was bipolar, but that I was trying hard to deal with periods when my mood plummets.  

It never feels good when that happens. I’m starting to get concerned again, because I’ve had about seven hours of sleep in the last three days, three whole hours today… And yet I ran all day.

I even went on a very long drive.

And right now, I’m not tired. But my muscles ache and my ankle hurts. I’m worried I’m about to go into a doggone spiral again…

Oh! And I no longer have hot water anymore. Yep… So, when I go to shower, it’s in a bathroom with freezing cold water.

The cold water at least is helping with part of my addiction. But I can’t turn my brain off…