Hey, Miss J!

I never expected my blog to go nearly as far as it has. I also had absolutely no clue that I would come to really value it. I’ve used blogging sites in the past. One of them was called “blogger”, I think?

I’ve also used DeadJournal, LiveJournal and real paper journals.

Those past journals contained pages that revealed nothing but just how toxic my life was before I was near my 30s.

Or maybe it was my mindset that was toxic itself.

I’ve since tossed all of them.

When I was first told that I had liver disease and had maybe ten years before I ended up with cirrhosis, I gave up.

Instead of wanting to fight for my health and life, I opted to just cruise along and see when it would all end.

I assumed that I would die before the age of 30 because of my liver disease. Then, when I felt the 10-year high school reunion coming, I decided to try to get in shape a little so I wouldn’t get teased for being so overweight.

Now, I’m a little off of what might be the 20-year reunion? I’m not the same as I was a decade ago. I don’t plan on ever attending even if they could get it off the ground… (Back then, one of them griped that they had to pay out of their own pockets and why couldn’t all of us chip in? I pointed out that she was the one who was posting pictures of herself holding up wads of cash on FaceBook. A regular peasant such as myself could not afford it.)

My main goal now pretty much is just staying as healthy as I can be. I’m more focused on mental health along with physical too.

I really wish that I had this mindset when I was 17, had actually considered the suggestion to take better care of myself. I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in now.

I suppose I’m grateful for WordPress though. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to look back at where I was and where I am now and see the differences.

The change due to psychiatric medications has been enormous.

Of course, I still see myself as a failure sometimes.

I get disappointed when my body can’t do what I want it to do.

But… I wouldn’t trade what I can do for the world.

I still love writing, even though I seem to be unintentionally on a break right now. I still love cooking because food is absolutely delicious.

I look forward to making some ‘treats’ with the bananas I have tomorrow, and being around my friends.

And sleep. My bed is so much more comfortable now that it’s on the floor.

I don’t have much (if any) money really. I did use the $40 a friend gave me to buy some jeans. She told me to keep the rest for gas. For that, I am immensely grateful.

I drove her all over the place the last few days, and I honestly don’t mind the gas. But that extra bit for gas really helps.

I have a lot less money than when I was able to work, but I can still get my groceries. I’m still able to pay bills.

To date, I still have absolutely no income, but stuff is getting paid. I can’t complain. I now have aid so I don’t have to freeze to death this winter.

If I still manage to gripe or complain about something though… please do forgive me. I’m still dealing with my own feelings of self-worth and frustration over the trauma I’ve experienced.

Often, I wonder… what if? What if my mom really had left me at the hospital like she stated she wanted to do after I was born? If not for my grandparents intervening, I would have ended up in an entirely different place. Would I still be alive today?

I don’t know.

Would my life have been better or worse?

No idea.

I try hard not to imagine how different things could be – because I honestly don’t know.

Bleh. Time for Sims, then assignments and chores.

I have no idea what I just wrote… am I gonna look up? Probably not.

Sorry.

Ciao!

XXO

~J. Lyst