Hey, Miss J!

Please turn reverse the clock. I want to go back.

I want to have a chance to do it all again. Maybe if I had known back then, I could have avoided a mountain of problems.

I have a precondition for that. I’d love to remember enough to warn my younger self to not do the same stupid stuff.

Don’t be so free with your love. Not that many are looking out for your best interest.

Don’t be so open to others. People love to gossip. The idea of the pain they cause you might make the ‘secrets’ more delicious.

Don’t feel so intensely. People like to hurt you.

Don’t try to fix broken people. Let them stay broken.

Then, I would tell myself to hold my loved ones even tighter – that they won’t be there forever. In this world, nothing is static. Nothing is permanent. Only suffering and death is guaranteed in this world… and in time, no one remembers who you are at all.

I am now five days off anxiety medication…

-And-

I’m not okay.

Gabapentin is not helping me with my anxiety. If anything, it’s greasing and slicking everything up for even more to come through. It’s meant to treat my fibromyalgia. I still woke up in pain this morning.

I’m also tired. But it’s not normal tiredness. This is the type where you lay down and your body assumes you’re sleeping, so it rests itself quickly. But you never get a chance to close your eyes. So your brain doesn’t actually get a chance to rest. Just everything below the neck.

…… I still remember that toothy lambchop. Out of all of the daymares I’ve had, that has to be one of the weirder ones. It was not as frightening as the nightmare that I’d completely slept through and missed my entire meeting.

My water pump came in, btw. It’s wonderful because now I can just pump the water from the bucket in the sink to the “laundry” buckets. It pumps so fast too. I bought 10 feet of hose and so far, no problems.

My crocs also came in, so that should help me avoid falling down the stairs. They’re super comfy too! And I can wear socks, which makes me very happy.

For reference should my psychiatrist see this:

1. I fell on the stairs going up them on October 1^st.
   • I still have a knot right underneath my right kneecap from slamming into the wooden stairs… and it’s October 9^th now.
2. On October 4^th, I fell going down the stairs.
   • Fortunately, I was able to grab the banister and I have a big enough backside that it cushioned my fall.
   • Yeah.
   • I never thought I’d be happy to have a butt like I do, but I’m grateful for it now.
3. On October 6^th, I nearly fell over after climbing up the stairs in the back of the house.
   • That’s not good because there’s nothing but concrete out there. Along with my (mostly) baldheaded yard.
   • Grass. What’s that?

I think that’s it for now. I think I’ll take my happy green pills and wait a bit to take the numbing yellow one. Then bedtime for me.

I’ll do laundry in the morning.

If I can get up.

Ta!

~J. Lyst