Hey, Miss J!

I could call this discomfit too. I had such a great idea for a title, when I was struck with additional pain in my chest.

Course, that completely derailed my train of thought. It’s also very painful, but yeah..

I am working on nursing my ribs and Chapter 18 of Navigating the Curve.

Backtracking, I found some of my older blog posts. They were so detailed and sad. I was really struggling early on. For years, I’ve attempted to have some diary or some record of what I went through in life. Even though I see this blog as a diary in some senses – because this goes online, there’s quite a few things I can’t detail.

I wadded through older paper journal entries. There was so much disappointment – so much rage.

When I was hurt, I was really hurt and when it happened, I wanted to pay back the ones who caused me harm. I was never so uncontrolled as to physically retaliate, thank goodness. The ways I reacted though. They frighten me when I recall them.

Years ago, I had an old DeadJournal too. I found it again in 2020 and felt depressed within 5 minutes of reading. I was struggling so badly with who I was back in 2003 and no one around me really knew what to do to help.

Those who did know didn’t care to help.

Sometimes, I still harbor resentments about my past, but gradually things are improving.

The only way I can ever get over the nightmare that encompassed far too much of my life is to Let Go.

I’ve been hurt by family, by so-called friends, even by a former partner. I don’t think calling my ex a ‘lover’ is appropriate in any way, shape or form. Saying “partner” also seems too polite, but the actual name I’d use is too impolite even for eyes as old as mine.

That relationship was extremely toxic with there being a lot of give and take… But all of the give was on my end.

The friendships I have now are healthy ones. And the relationship with my family…

Well…

My dad is still alive, so I try to keep up to date with him.

Whenever he decides to pick up.

Yes, I just tried to call him.

And yet he gets angry when he can’t reach me on the phone but will see that I called and ignore it. Of course, this was reported to me by my aunt who is a whole other thing entirely.

So…

Forgiveness…

It hurts to ‘grant pardon’ to people when you don’t have closure. When they don’t acknowledge how wrong they were or are.

I’ve only had one person apologize. And I’m grateful that we made amends.

The rest of them however… I’m going to have to work on all of them one at a time.

And now me and my aching tooth are off to do some adulting. Since my back is so tight in one spot and still cramping, I’ll probably hammer out more of Chapter 18 to distract myself too.

Y’unno… once I’m done adulting.

Pfft!

~J. Lyst