Hey, Miss J!

Looping Music: Leona Lewis – “I See You”

Is this what it feels like? Now that my assignment to daily blog continues, I’m starting to feel as if there’s nothing else I can give. What a strange predicament to be in.

Is it because something is expected of me now? I don’t know.

I explained before that one of the things I’m best at, is not completing or failing things.

A found mountain of notebooks of half-written, never realized stories. Characters that were never named. Snippets and tiny exchanges here and there. Loose pages, all weathered from time and neglect. All of them, at least six books or more – so wasted. I only found one notebook that’s worth looking at.

My portfolio was filled with so many incomplete pieces of art that it made me want to cry. I had so many unused art supplies and incomplete art pieces in my sketch books.

I felt shocked, almost betrayed to find out that pictures I drew years ago while I was attempted to draw superheroes… was stuffed into a folder inside a pocket under several pounds of ancient paperwork from the 1960s.

All this time, I thought it was gone – stolen by some faceless entity. It helped fuel the resolution to just avoid trying. HS definitely killed my love of drawing and whatever was left got mopped up by collegiate courses.

Strange… college isn’t supposed to kill your dreams, is it?

Which one should I be upset over?

So away went my art supplies, the Rembrandt pastel set, my bamboo brushes and pens and the sketches. My colored pencils went right into the trash along with the all of my acrylic paints. It’s hard to describe how I felt looking at them in a black bag, knowing they were going to be taken away from here and just gone.

At the time, I was fueled by rage. I just wanted to never think about it again.

But…

Sometimes I sit in the room I’ve set my portfolio in and stare at it. It’s one of the few things that look out of the norm in that room. It’s a strange shade of purple, slick looking and has been powdered down with years and years of dust.

I’ve been scared, as I always am, that tossing away something like that will mean I’ll never see it again. Like I’m tossing away the memory.

I never look inside of it. It represents an idyllic time between 2004 to mid 2006. I have a piece I did for my grandparents in there. Along with assignments from my professors.

Now that I think about it, why am I holding onto things that never see the light of day?

It’s 2022… and yet now I’m beginning to understand that discarding those items doesn’t mean that what I’ve done will fade, nor does it mean I don’t love my grandparents. The fragments of time (that I can actually remember) are still there.

At times, I try to push aside and forget that I’m an emotional person, but if the last 3 ½ years have taught me anything… it’s to enjoy what you have, while you have it. And once it’s gone, it’s okay to cry and be upset. Let it go though, once you think you’re strong enough to. No one can dictate when that is for you.

Don’t ever dwell on past pain and hurts. All that does is cause you to feel sick.

• Though this is a goal I have, it’s not easy.
• There’s been a lot. It’s so hard to be happy for long if I let myself go in that direction.
• I swallow pills that sometimes cause me to trip up in conversation and forget, but I never seem to rid myself of terrible memories, not entirely.
• The trauma I’ve experienced could be used to write a book – seriously.

The separation from my family continues, and I’m continuing to adapt to the silence… to their absence.

The picture hanging over my bed remains. Though I feel so sad looking at it. My mother had the biggest smile, and I know it was a genuine one.

I wish I could have done more to help her.

When I get to a really good rhythm with my writing, I want so badly to send it to her or show her. But, I can’t.

I avoid sharing what I’m thinking when I have plots for a singular reason. People always steal ideas; they rarely make their own. That most certainly proved true years ago. I’ve learned my lesson.

Oh, I’ll add a quick 5-minute sketch I did… if I can figure out how to upload the picture here.

Till Then,

~ J. Lyst