Hey, Miss J!

Time: 9:17am

Date: September 27, 2021

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I wanted to start off by apologizing for disappearing like I did. My mind tells me to say that I won’t be ‘waxing lyrical’ about what I’ve endured since I’ve been gone. That’s not the correct way to address it though. It wasn’t ‘waxing’ anything.

I’ve been through what I can easily call a slow freefalling nightmare.

My health has deteriorated further, both physical and mental. I wanted to cry so many times about how frustrating it is to have to fight to live inside a body so broken down.

My medications are tearing me apart. I have to take capsules to support my kidneys because the medication I’m on fixes my mind while messing up everything else. My stomach is messed up and the meds for my mind makes it worse, but I cannot get medication to treat my stomach. I don’t breathe well in my sleep and the medication for it has made me high once already and that was just the first dose yesterday…

Since my mental illness has been determined to be more severe than even I was willing to acknowledge, I find myself hovering over the precipice of being placed on even more medication.

I’m not on medication for pain. And I wake up and move with pain.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of life am I living when moving and taking a breath could be so difficult. But…

I look ahead to a better tomorrow.

I won’t say there has to be something better, because I know that there is.

I just have to hang on long enough.

No more tears and pain. No more having to puff and snort medications to keep me breathing. No more pills.

How I wish it was here already.

I’m sorry if that was too much at once, but I still have no therapist and I don’t feel right dumping all that I’m going through on my friends.

This blog was meant to track my writing progress, my joy and laughter.

Most of it has been filled with sorrow and pain. I can look back though and through everything my friends were there to catch me. They held my hand and hugged me when times got hard.

And the last few years have been terrible for me…

I will be forever grateful for them.

I’m so very very sorry if my podcast or blog has been upsetting, but I can’t sugarcoat everything anymore. I’ve spent three decades doing that.

~ Miss J