Hey, Miss J!

Pressure…

So much discomfort.

I’m not sure most of the time, which place hurts the most. I have so much damage to my joints. My back is worse than I ever thought it could be.

Things are so worn down.

Depression can weigh you down, true, but so does your own body.

Especially when it’s failing…

Many mornings, I wake up feeling like I’m trapped in a lead coated cage.

Tuesday morning was one of those days. I felt like I was sinking into wet cement.

Covered in sweat, shaking but hopeful I could at least get to the bathroom.

It took me over an hour to get out of bed.

Tears squeezed out of my eyes when I struggled to drag my nearly numb lower half out of bed. I can’t sleep on my stomach. Doing that, even for a little while, results in even more pain in my back. Agony shoots down my left leg and my backside gets even more numb than it is normally.

I felt like someone had smacked a hammer into my spine.

So how do I sleep? With my upper body twisted towards the bed and my knees curled up near my stomach. I avoid pillows because I’m afraid I’ll suffocate. Where does my head go then? Ooh…it’s always an adventure to figure that out each night.

Ten minutes after I got out of bed, I was so tired that I wanted to get back in. And I did, sinking back down into sheets, sticky from sweat and then was late for an appointment.

Things weren’t always like this.

When I was in my 20s, I was able to move, bend… lift. I took pride in myself when I was able to hit all of my goals at the gym. I loved going to the pool so much.

How was I supposed to know that in my 30s, I’d just want the pain to end for a moment?

Now, with new medication and a brand-new back brace, I have to deal with additional stomach problems.

I honestly believe my father would be horrified if he saw how many things I have to consume to function.

Clenching, stabbing pains along with cramping down my digestive tract apparently wasn’t enough.

On Monday, I nearly threw up at my friend’s house. On her kitchen floor, no less. Today, I felt slightly less sick because I was seated under a fan.

Later on? I don’t want to think about it.

On a positive note, I’ve been debating where things are going with “The Craving”. Haven’t heard of it? It’s a special project I was planning on releasing for my readers…

Before everything starting getting worse for me.

I don’t want to let them down.

I can’t…

Note: While writing this entry, I had to shift my hips four times to take pressure off my back. And my left leg is numb. Walking upstairs will be fun tonight…