Hey, Miss J!

It’s the strangest sensation… To feel as if I’m separating. And I’m separating from everything and everyone.

I wasn’t able to see my psychiatrist this month, which is not good. At all.

I’ve noticed a hyper fixation on drowning out my awareness of time. It started around September last year, I think.

Like this:

• I was getting frustrated because of trying to find a fanfic that didn’t exist, so I turned to AI. I’d uploaded an experimental AI story, was honest about it, got slammed about it and it made my mood dip.
• Well, the AI fanfic got to where I was interacting with it. In essence guiding it. And this, mind, is fanfic only for my eyes. I have a bunch of print-outs of it now.
• My father asks if the AI writes things or I do. I see it like this… I have the prompts. The AI fills in the gaps, but it’s limited in what I tell it. And a big attraction is that I don’t have to spend 2 and 3 hours researching to write it.
• But all in the same token, because I am using a machine’s mind, I can’t fully call it my own.
• Then, I veered into original stories and things started going downhill.

Hours spent typing prompts into Gemini to get a response… I could have done all of that myself.

I’ve distanced myself from my actual life, from my friends, from family… from anyone.

So the snow we had, were I was trapped with no human interaction for 3 weeks? It made the isolation worse, and because I’m disabled, I don’t have regular person-to-person interactions.

I think acknowledging the situation is helpful. Maybe I should write myself a schedule to contain it?

Because the internet can be paused, but life always moves forwards.,

~J. Lyst