Hey, Miss J!

I don’t often write much of what or how I’m feeling. A least not recently, not since I started doing the daily prompts. Not in my blog posts at least.

Do I??

I’ve been using a paper bound journal to help ground myself.

I’m having a bad night… and I have no one I can speak with.

However, instead of resorting to self-harm, which I was very close to doing… I just wrote on my legs what I thought about myself. Is it bad to commend myself for not using a razor?

I don’t know…

My brain feels like it’s all over the place, just sliding around inside my skull.

I’m not in much physical pain. Not anymore.

But… I just can’t.

I’m sick of trying to “can,” when all I want to do is just close my eyes.

My brain is too twitchy for me to sleep.

I’m irritated, reminded that I really do waste people’s time. I really am a burden… one that seems to be too much.

So, I wrote on my legs instead of digging in. I’m trying to remind myself that even if no one else has respect for me or loves me, that God loves me. I don’t have to doubt or question that.

And I pray for peace—some—of mind.

I want to talk to someone, but then I don’t.

Not really.

I’ve unplugged and turned off my phones, just to have some quiet.

I know Proverbs 18:1 notes the folly of isolating oneself. What I want is solace and peace and time to come to terms with my ever-shifting sense of self.

Am I worth it?

That’s a very good question.

I have to find a way to think I am, or at least trick myself into believing that.

~J. Lyst

I’ll be up all night now, unfortunately.

And even though I can’t afford it, I’ll be ordering delivery tonight.

I’m gonna make myself some mac n cheese. Maybe some fries to. And watch some Doctor G.

And clean.

And try to forget that yesterday ever happened.

… course, I now have “Trash” and “Waste” written on my thighs in permanent ink…

~J. Lyst