Hey, Miss J!

September 28, 2024 @ 10:59PM

… Never thought I would see the day when I’d be happy to have a supply of prunes.

Times are ‘a changing.

—

October 2, 2024 @ 1:12AM

… Forgot this was here. Finally made gravy and yesterday stated that my day was boring.

The whole day.

Cos it was.

When I say that, I’m starting to figure people don’t understand. When I have ‘action’ packed days, there’s often some stress involved. I end up having to think a lot harder than I should… and can.

But boring days? So quiet… so peaceful. I might start working more on my embroidery.

—

October 3, 2024 @ 12:01AM

So now I have to do crazy runs in two days for supplies for the house and a few friends. I would say that I’m frustrated… but those words only tippy-tap on the iceberg.

I hope the strike has a solution… soon.

—

October 16, 2024 @ 7AM

What on earth am I doing still up? My entire concept of sleep hygiene has gone the way of the dodo.

Why am I still forgetting to upload this blog post? What on earth is wrong with me?! This is going to end up being some weird massive conglomerate thing… I can just smell the desperation and fear from here.

I hope tonight… that I get all of my stuff settled ahead of time and GO TO SLEEP ON TIME!!

—

October 21, 2024 @ 10:30PM

I’m trying my first step in a long while.

A first step in doing better… for my mental health… for my body.

I hope I can look back at this post in a few months and be proud of the accomplishments I’ve made.

I’ll be retooling my schedule again with the hopes that the new one sticks.

I just ate a late dinner, so I have to stay up at least until midnight before I go to sleep.

—

October 24, 2024 @ 10:41PM

Okay…. So, I am an idiot. I’ve decided to put up more restrictions on myself because I spend too much time playing games. And spend time on way too much that distracts me.

I now have the entire house that has dissolved into chaos.

While I loathe restrictions, in my case, they are very required.

… And since I’ll be up till 4AM again, I guess there’s no harm in using the time correctly.

My problem with playing the Sims 4, along with writing my fanfictions… was that there were so many bits and pieces under everything. Bits that didn’t need to be there. Stuff I was ashamed of if I’m being honest.

I had to get so many mods and adjust them and my gameplay in the Sims… and it was getting to the point that I couldn’t stand how much work I had to do.

The storylines… an utter waste of time.

My time… wasted.

The fanfiction… being asked for “spicy” scenes… for sexually explicit additions.

I’m fighting an addiction to masturbation, porn and sex.

So, the last thing I need is to have that as a focus for an entire chapter. Knowing that my chapters were at times 50 pages??

I started having explicit dreams… which is the last thing I needed.

So… deleted the story, deleted my profiles on those websites.

The dreams?

Gone.

Thank goodness for that!

—

10/28/2024 @ 8:12pm

So… apparently, I’ve been issued a ticket for not stopping at a stop sign… when I know that I did stop at a sign. This is ridiculous. This city is so desperate for funds from tickets that they manipulate the system.

Years ago, I was slapped with a $100 dollar ticket for being parked at a time that it hadn’t even become yet. The ticket was deliberately issued 10 minutes ahead of time. Because I had the funds, I went and paid it.

Now though?

Will be contesting it. Hopefully they dismiss it or at least reduce the amount.

October 31, 2024 @11:06PM

I’m tired and relieved. It’s been very quiet on my block tonight… or rather… mostly in front of my home.

No one stops at my house for Halloween.

I am not a fan of this horrific holiday and haven’t been for years.

The recent decorations I’ve seen at the pharmacy scared me half to death…

Even the recent movies. I told my dad how they’re making new horror movies all the time. And he always reminds me to never ever look at “the Exorcist.” I asked him how stupid he thought I was to ever watch that movie. I didn’t see the first one.

I’m covering my eyes half the time when commercials come on now.

I really hate this time of year.

So. SOOOOO much!

—

November 11, 2024 @ 11:06pm

Ugh… tired. Sort of.

I guess.

Maybe?

I honestly have no idea.

Yesterday, I had something super cool I wanted to pen down.

… Forgot it before I could load up the document to write anything.

My RockTape is working… Hooray! But I still need to start using the paraffin. The pain/weakness is starting to return… which means I also need to look into cupping supplies.

And… there was something else I wanted to write about.

Can’t remember now. Maybe chores???

—-

November 12, 2024 @ 12:02am

Oops. I think that would be the best word. First off, sharing stuff that’s personal to me. Secondly, I have a lot of stuff to get done.

I’m redoing my entire list… which I hope won’t take me long.

I hope…

—-

November 14, 2024 @ 8:41PM

I should probably pen this before I forget.

So… I went to the ER around midnight yesterday due to ongoing concerns about something going on with my foot. I was in there for a long time, and it was freezing cold. However, I did get my foot looked at.

Horrific words. In grown toenail. On my right big toe.

Even worse news. I was going to have a procedure that night to “free” the excess nail that was causing so many problems.

I received about 5 or 6 shots of lidocaine in my right big toe and watched as the doctor cut into the skin with some very sharp scissors and used forceps to remove the bits of offending nail.

Today is the day after. It’s been over 24 hours since I had the procedure done, but once again, I bathed in the sink. Tomorrow, I hope to have a proper shower and then re-wrap my foot.

I might need to have some intermittent showers for a while… which sucks. And also keep my toe wrapped so nothing gets into the healing wound.

Though knowing me… I’ll probably invest in gauze and medical tape… because I don’t want to avoid showering anymore.

—

November 17, 2024 @ 12:58AM

I love watching Forensic Files.

-Per Season 2, Episode 3. Sex, Lies and DNA

Wait a minute…

Narrator: “Earl said the gunshot wound was in the left side of her head, but Ruby was right-handed…

Me: “You must be jok—”

Narrator: It would have been impossible for a right-handed individual to shoot herself in the left temple, using her right hand especially with the long barreled 22 caliber pistol the Morrises owned.”

Me: “She did have a left hand. Geeze. I’m right-handed, but I also hold my bowl and sometimes a second utensil with my left hand when I’m eating. I can also scratch the left side of my neck with my left hand.”

My left eye and left foot just so happen to be on the same side, so I can rub or wash both of them with my left hand. Along with my left leg.

Whoo… didn’t know my left leg was on the left side of my body, did ya?

Ugh…

I love watching Forensic Files, but not when there’s are inane statements like this one. This wording was from the forensic detectives.

For shame!

We’ll blame this on their potential chronic fatigue.

@ 1:22AM

Apparently, this was episode 4?? I have no clue how Amazon prime labels their episodes.

—-

November 17, 2024 @ 7:50AM

So… been balancing my budget and watching Forensic Files.

Also scrambling with proper bill payments.

I think… I’m going to start just paying what I owe for every bill except my car insurance.

… Or maybe I’ll start paying exactly what I owe for that bill too.

I suppose my background concerning bills comes into play. I like to pay my bills ahead. But… I think it’ll be okay if I just pay what I owe.

Otherwise, I’m literally going to collapse under the weight of the bills and my cats’ “butt sand” budget.

—-

November 20, 2024 @ 4AM

Whyyyy??

@4:374AM

SO… I’ve decided that at 5:30AM, I’ll go a clean up the house. Again. Seeing as I slept for eleven hours yesterday…

—

December 8, 2024 @ 12:03AM

I always have some amazing and profound thoughts and by the time I get to write them down?

Yep.

Gone.

I will say this though… Things could always be worse.

Despite my health problems, I look forward to next year.

Do I think my physical health will get worse?

Yes.

Will my mental health begin to worsen? It’s a possibility. My physical health going downhill has had a negative effect on my mood.

—

December 20, 2024 @ 10:46PM

How on earth… did I nearly drown by drinking water?

It’s a frightening sensation… having water flooding into my breathing passages. Thankfully I was able to hack it up. How… I have no clue. I had nearly no air in my lungs.

I leaned forward and after managing to suck in some air, I also managed to hold off coughing for a few seconds. Lotta water was all over the place.

This winter has been terrible for my breathing. The cold air made the issues with my breathing worse, along with the terrible dry mouth from my psychiatric meds. The dryness leads to my phlegm being extra thick.

—-

December 29, 2024 @ 10:59PM

I have problems communicating and misinterpret a lot and maybe the real problem, is that I’m not well socialized at all.

What might seem like a regular conversation to someone, is overwhelming for me.

This is an interesting revelation for me.

I’ve been speaking to my psychiatrist about the possibility that I might have autism. I miss social cues way too easily. Yet, somehow, I still managed to make friends.

Later Edit: Well over 500 words were removed from this blog post. It’s the first and possibly last time I’ll ever do this, but I needed to vent… to myself.

And considering the kind of things I’ve posted on my blog, what I had to vent to myself… was very heavy.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but earlier this month I wanted to kill myself.

I know why I wanted to do that, and for the sake of my own sanity, the fact that I wanted to do it will be made known to my psychiatrist… however the cause behind it will remain in my own mind.

And like many things, in time it’ll be forgotten.

—

December 31, 2024 @ 4:24PM

I’m tired.

So tired.

I’m so tired that I nearly fell asleep on my ancient cat. We were technically on a bed together downstairs, but I was sitting.

Sort of.

I have

@ 4:34PM

I forgot that I turned the heat down. When I get cold, I get extremely tired, which is dangerous.

I have things to get back to, but I’ll state this…

From the beginning of this year to today—so much has happened to me. Too many bad things have happened—but more good things.

Sometimes when I’m suffering, I can’t do more but focus on my own problems… but I’m slowly working away from that.

The change is very slight, but noticeable for me. My entire outlook has begun to change.

At the beginning of this year, I never thought that I would completely swear off writing fanfiction. But it happened.

I never thought I’d have a stroke. But I’ve had two this year.

I never thought I would be dependent on a cane. But I am.

Yet…

I never thought I’d have people warmly welcome me into their homes and feed me. But it happened.

I didn’t expect to have had so many that have been eager to help me. But they have.

I never expected so many hugs and other displays of love. But now I willingly hug others myself in response.

And I never thought anyone would understand me or really listen. But someone does.

So, while I at times feel grieved and bitter about the state of my body and deteriorating mind—more and more I find myself enjoying each sunrise.

And the howls of crows in the morning.

… At least I think they’re crows.

While I did trip a bit the last few months, I stubbornly hung on.

At times, I do worry about having suicidal ideation as I did this month, but what now keeps me from acting on it is an overwhelming love for my life and a desire to go on.

Life is a gift for me—every day has the promise of something better, and I am not the one who has the authority to take away my life or the life of anyone else.

~J. Lyst

I am debating taking some sunrise pictures and/or sunset… and trying to transfer the image onto paper.  Should be a good challenge.