Hey, Miss J!

Warning: This post is not fully G or PG.

I never try to be vulgar, but I do try to be honest about what I’m going through.

I have very vivid dreams.

There are two points… while I’m close to being asleep and right after I get up. In the case of the former, I start dreaming about realities that will never be realized at this point of my life or anywhere in the near future.

A husband… that one likely won’t happen…

Children… that will never happen. My body lacks several of the required parts for that.

… Sometimes I feel like less of a woman because of this. Nothing I can do to change the circumstances though.

When I’m waking up, my mind is in a pleasant fog… and for a few minutes, I don’t feel any pain or distress.

Then… I have to get up.

And wake up fully.

… I wish I could always hold on to my dreams because they tend to make me happy.

I used to be able to say that what made me most happy was reading and/or writing fanfiction. But since I’ve stopped that…

Well…

And if I’m 100% honest, I was starting to feel distressed writing because of different things my readers were requesting… and some insisting… I write.

Huuu

That said, I have had some doozies for dreams though…

I have, sometimes, awoken only to realize the reality of my situation and started to scream or cry. Those dreams involve seeing dead loved ones for the most part. I used to have very vivid dreams of my grandmother that when I got up, I would rush down the stairs–expecting to see her alive and there with me again.

…The disappointment and heartbreak of the truth…

I’ve also found myself reaching out once when I woke up. For someone who wasn’t there. And since I was apparently having sex in my dream in that instance, I woke up right in the middle of what is still the largest orgasm I’ve ever had.

From a dream.

A dream of all things…

I was struggling to walk because the muscles in my thighs were quivering… and I kept having aftershocks for the next hour.

Wanna talk about cruel?

That was the definition of it.

I still worry my neighbor heard me though the walls… But she’s never said anything so…

I remember pounding my fist on my mattress and suddenly needing to sink my fingers in to hold on, in distress, because I had no control over what was happening to me.

~J. Lyst

… Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever told my psychiatrist about that.

And thankfully it hasn’t happened since so…

… I hope I dream about playing with kittens tonight.