Hey, Miss J!

… I don’t know if I’m dealing with mood swings or a sudden nosedive into the beginnings of a depressive episode.

Does it matter?

I’ve been told and treated as if my mental health problems are irrelevant.

It’s irritating and hurts and it’s just…

Some days, I wonder why even bother?

I have a feeling that I’m going to be mostly non-verbal tomorrow unless one of my friends can snap me out of this. I see the possibility of success with that being 30%.

I still deal with at times a seething anger when I consider how cruelly I’ve been treated by some. To hear other people state these very same ones are so loving and kind just…

I wonder if it’s me, then I wonder if I’m overthinking it… then I question why on earth it even matters.

Why do the words of people just about as messed up as me matter at all? Especially when they’re negative ones?

Why?

Why?!

I don’t understand it at all. I get angry because I want to just pen all of this out. The feelings I have sometimes make me feel so ugly inside and makes me feel that I’m a sad and pitiful person.

I don’t want everyone and their great-grandparents to see how miserable I am.

Then, I remember that my hands have deteriorated so much that I can barely read my own writing 5 minutes out.

When I was younger, I never thought I’d grow up to become such a broken and bitter woman. I try so hard to appear to be “just fine” to my friends.

However, I let that mask slip with some friends today and one became very concerned that I wasn’t talking. At all. I explained to her that I need a lot of energy to be social… and I was done for today.

That response I gave took a lot more energy than they realize.

When I’m home, sometimes I talk to myself to get my thoughts out. I greeted the cats when I got in today… but I haven’t spoken to anyone else in a good three or four hours.

Tomorrow’s going to be a quiet one.

~J. Lyst