Hey, Miss J!

It’s strange.

I was assigned to keep up with a blog or some sort of journal to keep track of myself… and just to vent, I suppose. So I decided to do this, and I was really worried. I’ve had blogs before… and I didn’t want to go foolishly down the same path.

It didn’t happen though.

Often, I feel tired, relieved and a bit embarrassed by the time I finish my blog posts. There’re so many different emotions I go through on a daily basis.

When I’m writing, I’m trying to channel all of the churning feelings I tend to still unfortunately keep buried.

I’ve stated before, things that don’t bother me at all can be very disturbing to other people. I try to keep this in mind.

Being socially awkward is something I can’t really escape.

I will admit that part of what power what goes into my post for that day is also what music I listen to. It can help me pin down what I’m trying to say.

So today…

I’ve been a bit upset. Not due to anything that anyone else has done, but because of something I found out about myself yesterday. I knew there was something in my mouth under my teeth… but what I saw on my most recent scan scared me.

It had grown.

I was told it was most certainly not a cyst.

It has nothing to do with my teeth. It was actually in the bones of my jaw.

And… it looked like I had some significant bone loss happening on one side of my mouth.

I know what my aunt though… that my jaw was falling apart.

I’ve picked up some calcium pills to try and see if it helps.

And to avoid killing myself, I’ll add it to my nighttime rotation of medication.

To that, I will say this…

Never be fooled by outside appearances. There is always something underneath the surface.

Outside, I look like an average adult. With no major problems outside of being overweight.

Inside, I’m slowly deteriorating due to a combination of health problems and medical treatments. My knees have been breaking down since I was fifteen… and I am far past that age now. I was that age over twenty years ago.

My immune system is shot… and the only reason I don’t get sick often is because I’m often isolated at home.

I’ve been recently diagnosed with a few other conditions, which as a somewhat young adult can be quite frustrating.

I’m also at that weird stage where I’m not exactly a young adult, but also not exactly middle aged.

I guess…

Maybe it’s just the way that I’m looking at the situation?

I’m not sure.

~J. Lyst