Hey, Miss J!

When I look back on today, all I want to do is cry… I got nearly nothing at all done because I could barely move.

The fatigue that has clung to me for days is so severe that I came close to collapsing twice in my kitchen today. I was literally rocking on my feet and had to turn the stove off twice.

I wobbled into my living room and tried to rest against the banister in there. Had to close my eyes and just wait… Eventually, I was able to get my breakfast cooked, but it took me an hour. It then took me another hour to get back up the stairs to get in the shower.

I know what it would look like if I was outside and wobbling on my feet or having my head drooping so much.

Back in college, I learned to sleep standing up, but since my balance is now shot, that ‘ability’ has become a serious curse.

My friends and I have seen people who are nodding in different locations due to drug use. How people get their heads so close to the ground and then pop up without falling over still baffles me.

That’s not what’s wrong with me though.

Recently, I was told I have high pressure in my eyes… And that some of the symptoms I was discussing with one of my doctors sounded like MS.

Which means I need to get a test for it.

Now, I’m going to assume that is not what I have at all until told otherwise, because I don’t want to be more upset than I already am.

But I will say this… for a long time, years, I’ve gotten up at night, turned on the light and had nearly no vision in my left eye. It’s like that for several minutes. It was like someone put a black pair of sheer stockings over the left side of my face.

My hands shake, and it’s nearly impossible to write for long with the right hand.

Now, I deal with excessively horrid muscle weakness. I have nearly no strength on one side and barely any balance on both sides. My arms get tired from just a few moments of activity… and my pans always feel ridiculously heavy now. The muscles in my legs scream when I climb the stairs. And it is a climb. I used to run up and down the stairs easily… but now I fall so easily just trying to walk sometimes.

Walking to the bathroom at night could be disastrous for me… because right outside my bedroom door and to the left of me are the stairs. And once again, I can’t see well out that eye right out of bed.

My health insurance provider has informed me that I can obtain an aid… and I’m seriously beginning to consider it.

The upkeep in my home is sliding because everything just hurts so much. Even sneezing is painful. I feel muscle strain in my pecs from it.

…Just sneezing…

I’m at the point now where I can say that being alive is so painful… I almost want it to end so that my suffering ends too…

But…

As I’ve told someone I met week ago, when I wake up in the morning and hear that weird annoying bird—which I still have no clue what it is—it does remind me that each and every single day is a gift. My life is a gift… A gift that I did absolutely nothing to deserve. I can feel so happy just watching the sunrise or sunset.

Even watching the antics of my cats is amusing. With the youngest one, I find myself staring at her sometimes, just in utter fascination. I know cat eyes can be slit or rounded (except one breed that only has round eyes), but I’ve seen her eyes fight from one eye to the other on being slit or rounded… depending on the lighting and how startled she is.

I wonder what that must feel like to her. I know it doesn’t diminish her vision at all though.

And something else I just noticed… there’s an outline in her eyes that display just how wide they can get.

That is amazing. I started looking at the oldcat to see the same… and its there, though now in old and elderly form.

~J. Lyst

One of my cousins is in the medical field and suggested I try magnesium to help with the shaking and balance issues.

Must clear it with my doctor first though.