Hey, Miss J!

Yup. Still very much manic.

I want to get the cleaning stuff done already. My sinuses are 10x better when I dust and vacuum.

Still dealing with racing thoughts… unfortunately.

I keep promising myself that either I get a good night’s sleep or I’ll go and clean up the entire house. Then, I decide on cleaning and only get 1 area tidier.

It’s immensely annoying. My pets need help. I need help.

I don’t want to live in a trash ball. And that’s exactly what I’d call this.

I also need to start making payment arrangements on my bills. And sifting through what I’ve used my credit card on. Due to fraud several months ago, I now primarily use my credit card to pay for things I need in here.

It’s easier to pay because it’s tied to my main bank account.

The downside to using a credit card though… is that you don’t realize just how much you’re spending until well after you’ve spent it.

I know that I definitely wasted $$ this month via GrubHub. I ordered twice this month, but even the first order was higher than what I have budgeted for take-out.  

I also have payment arrangements I need to make for a door. The company I’m dealing with actually add a 3% fee for card transactions, so it’s better if I have a check.

While I state that, I’m literally rolling my eyes.

The next problem is that… I have no idea where my checkbooks or registers are.

So that’s part of why I need to tidy up the room, because I shouldn’t be losing track of important things like that.

On the plus side, I did get myself some really nice body oils.

Which reminds me I haven’t showered…. Since I was in bed literally all day.

Good grief, my days are just melding one into the other it seems.

And, I’m also depressed. Seeing how much of a mess my house has become is very depressing, but I was doing so well last year!

…. Maybe I should just listen to music if I’m planning on cleaning. That might be best.

I have appointments I need to schedule… and unfortunately, the only way to do that is to have the entire bedroom clean like it was before. I was able to better focus.

I won’t even be able to update my fanfic next month because of the chaos I’m currently living in.

I also need to fix exercise into my schedule… Mentally, I was so much better when I fit some walking in each morning or evening. Whenever really.

I want so badly to be a normal, healthy woman. And not the broken shell I am right now.

I spoke to absolutely no one today, avoided most of my friends… which isn’t good. I already know there are risks to isolating myself from them.

I need to be honest with my psychiatrist and let her know that I’ve been having problems since July last year. And it’s been off and on. Then On and ON. And on and on and on and ON AND ON AND ON.

A friend of mine told me about a month ago that I’m at the age where sex drive also begins to peak. My response: “How… lovely, with me being so very single.”

I think my doctor will be horrified to hear about my explosive (sometimes literally) fixations and visualizations of sex.

Massive orgasms due to dreams? Yes. Have had that. I was so very angry when I woke up. Because I got hurled right into a whole tsunami of them right after I opened my eyes.

And it was a real flood. I’ve never felt anything that intense before.

Ever.

Orgasms from just peeing? Yes… It’s been weird at times, really weird.

Fixation on men’s privates?

Yes. Followed by fixation on their faces and bodies.

I was asked years ago if I’d ever be involved with a man who was… is it wrong for me to say obese? Probably. Yes, that’s what I was asked. Would I ever have a relationship with a man who was obese.

I was plain with my answer. “No.” For one, I like men with muscle. For another… well…

I like hide and seek, but not that badly.

Sorry, but not that much.

I’m very honest in that regard.

Unable to sit still because of sudden imagery in my mind? Yes.

Getting fixated and ‘sucked in’ to my visualizations? Yep… can last a few hours. I’ve at times been drooling on myself. It’s sad.

Ugh… I did not expect this blog post to go this way.

I feel gross, but that’s not new either… unfortunately.

Apologies.

~J. Lyst