Hey, Miss J!

I’m not the nicest person.

I’m very disappointed in myself. Often.

I get frustrated when I slip up and make terrible mistakes.

In the past, I was very vindictive.

Recently, I nearly lost my temper on someone on the bus… because she was speaking about bipolarism.

She said: “I’m sorry about my friend. She’s a little bipolar, you know? She’s a little Special Ed.”

Because mental illness is a joke, right?

Needing special education due to an intellectual disability and having a chronic mood disorder are two very different things…

Instead, I’m pretty sure she heard me snarling to my dad on the phone. After all, I was sitting right next to her. I told him about how the police had been sent to my home before. And reiterated to him that being mentally ill is not a laughing matter.

…Since he thought talking about how I’m taking “crazy pills” because I’m crazy.

Yeah. I’m crazy? No kidding!

Woman next to me was quiet as a church mouse after that.

I was very angry. For emphasis… it tends to take me about 15 minutes or so to walk uphill to my home… because I need to stop to rest my muscles.

Well…

I power-walked all the way back to the house. I got there in under ten minutes.

It took a bit for me to calm down… the walk helped.

A lot.

That’s part of why I’m disappointed in myself. I’m always finding myself needing to struggle so much to control my temper.

My dad asked me if I was certain the woman’s friend wasn’t actually bipolar. I told him that no one who is bipolar uses it as a lighthearted joke. Being bipolar is a nightmare I would not wish on my worst enemy!

I told him that her friend was simply an idiot.

He told me that wasn’t nice and maybe she really was mentally ill.

My response? “No, she’s really just very stupid. That’s all. No mental illness present. Unless being dumb counts as a mental illness.”

Was that crass and rude? Yes. I’m actually happy that I restrained myself as much as I did when I was on the bus next to her.

With all that in mind… and finding out that someone was just shot and killed in that area… Well…

Glad I didn’t say anything directly to her, even though inside I wanted to start howling inside that bus.

Still working on that anger issue.

At least I mostly deflated during that walk.

In the future, I need to push down that part of myself… More.

Years ago, things would have been a lot worse in terms of my behavior.

Not just age is causing me to slow down in that department.

Granted, I feel so tired and sick because of my medication… it’s been making me cranky. And yes, I will be telling my psychiatrist about this too.

Something tells me she won’t be happy.

~J. Lyst

Editing for Chapter 1 of NtC went off without a hitch.

I was also seized with nearly crippling pain on the right side of my back today. It was like someone had stabbed me and pounded the knife in deeper.

That of course deflated my bad mood for the bulk of today – seeing as I passed out after I got home. Now I’m trying to get some editing done since I’m apparently benched for tonight in terms of other things I could do. Like my chores. Will see what tomorrow brings.