Hey, Miss J!

So, I’ve been involved in this footrace for months now… Literally months.

To catch up with my lessons and better allocate my time.

It has not been fun.

It has not been easy.

I’ve been angry at myself quite often.

Rushing at the last minute takes the enjoyment out of my lessons.

I love learning, so I hate when I can’t just sit down and truly pour over my lessons.

I get caught up on those stupid – but entertaining – Youtube Reddit stories. From all of them and the very very long conversation I had with a friend… it lasted like 7 hours, I learned an important truth.

Since I am so involved with what I am doing personally, I don’t look too much at others. I always knew I wanted a husband and family, but I was never able to pull my focus off my sad excuse for a life.

Or what I thought was a sad life.

The hyperfocus on myself kept me from forming anything with men aside from close friendships.

I have now become the “female bro,” and I’m not mad about it.

But that profound thing I learned? It’s safer to stay single. The sheer amount of pain, heartache and… calling it chaotic would be an insult to chaos – so we can call it ‘nightmare fuel.’ All that I’ve read and heard, yeah better alone.

I have pets who keep me company. Have I gone a day or so without speaking to someone before? I sure have. And by someone, I mean another human.

Of course, I would never confuse the warm fuzzy body of a cat for the warm body of a spouse, but I know now that I would not be able to handle the change in my life. It would be a complete and utter upheaval – to have someone else to defer to.

While I would enjoy not putting my foot down with certain decisions, I wouldn’t enjoy not having the final say in what I wanted to do.

Does that make sense?

So while I’m so happy that I’m finally getting myself pointed somewhat in the right direction, I can’t help but think that my mental health would have deteriorated further if I had to deal with another person. I don’t even want a housemate or someone who rented from me living here.

It would be way too weird at this point.

Maybe my thoughts on that will change in the future, especially since children are no longer on anyone’s table, let alone mine, so that would be a whole other discussion.

I think I do well talking with myself.

When I’m outside, I am literally talking to myself. People tend to leave you alone if they hear you muttering as if you’re having a conversation with someone else.

~J. Lyst

Time for my nighttime reading and then see if I can finish up my lesson before bed.

Oh! And I need to tend to the fur balls.

If I can get up early enough in the morning, I’ll be able to dust and vacuum in here. Pretty sure that’s what has me coughing up a storm.

New kitten = new additional dust