Hey, Miss J!

I realized today… after like a week of sleep deprivation – that I need to stay off YouTube. I’ve already been exposed to at least five movies and/or TV shows that I probably should not be watching.

Along with someone who posted something sexually explicit on YouTube.

I already reported one that involved a half-naked child…

It… I don’t understand how people are so hyper focused on sex. It is not that big of a deal, tbf. From what I’ve seen on there… so many people complaining because of consequences of jumping from bed to bed.

They scream… as if they didn’t have any hand in what happened.

All the people catching STDs, spreading to spouses and blaming the innocent spouse.

I have avoided such contact for well over a decade, and seeing how badly things are going downhill, I’m grateful for that.

There’s another reason that I have the feelings I do about all of this.

I’m sick.

I’ve likely been sick for quite some time. Not like a cold. Not like Covid either.

But apparently… for some reason I’m still immunocompromised.

Due to a previous horrible relationship, I have always had worry in the back of my mind that I was given some STD that never showed up on any blood tests.

Thankfully, I am still testing HIV and AIDs free. Those two are always a worry regardless of my negative tests.

Since I don’t have either of those monsters… why are my white blood cells so low?

Sometimes I’m scared when I have to go to the store to get supplies or pick up a package.

I’m glad that I tested negative for Covid when a friend of mine caught it. I think what kept me safe was all of the garlic I eat.

I’m going from mixing it in food to just ingesting a tsp of crushed garlic like 2-3 times a day. And eating garlic pills as well.

Do I have funky breath?

Yeah. I’m pretty sure I do… The stench from other meds is also emanating from me. I can smell what it is. I get self-conscious, nervous, and angry about it.

I can’t do anything about it though.

While taking my medication earlier today, I started wondering if I had been taking my pills correctly.

If I’ve been taking my pills, why haven’t I resumed my normal cleaning regimen?

I thought about this while I was cleaning off my desk and cleaning the bathroom.

I did the dishes – without being prompted. I think I also brushed my teeth without prompting, but I can’t be sure. I also showered without having to look at a sheet to remember.

I’ve pre-printed my cleaning schedule now, because for the time being, I can’t trust myself to write it down properly.

My bedroom floor looks tidy again, minus my jeans on the floor and the odd water bottle.

I think… slowly, I’m going back to normal.

At least mentally.

I’m working my way through the anxieties I keep experiencing every few days or so.

I’m so afraid of so many things.

• I’m scared of having my email compromised and my financial accounts being taken over.
• I’m scared of having my cell number stolen and being unable to confirm anything with anyone because I can’t receive a code.
• I worry about the possibility of someone trying to break into and steal my car.
• I worry about someone breaking into my house downstairs or upstairs and taking everything I have.
• Daily… I worry about dying and leaving my loved ones unprepared. I still don’t have a will.
• I worry about the problems with my back progressing further and more disks in my back beginning to deteriorate / fail.

I try so hard not to feel like that. It doesn’t do anything, but drive me crazy. And I’m not even joking. I feel paranoid at times and have to pull myself back.

If any of the things in the bullet points happen – I truly will be unable to know far ahead and stop it.

I’m trying hard now to have a more optimistic view of things… Maybe that’s why I’m starting to resume chores. I’m also working to chop down on my “entertainment,” because it only causes distraction from what I should be doing with my time.

Make the most of your time, right?

~J. Lyst

… I just realized I haven’t paid the bills yet. ~_~

I will deal with that tomorrow. It takes me normally 2-3 hours to balance books and pay bills. I refuse to stay up too late tonight.