Hey, Miss J!

So, I have my new – previously old – prescription back. This means that as soon as I take the pills, I need to be near my bed. I’m uncertain if I’ll lose consciousness, but sleep would be pretty nice.

Like normal, long sleep.

My brain can fully cut off … or mostly. Then I can sleep for a good long while.

I’ve spent the last few hours in a bit of a funk.

Sort of between frustration and incredulity.

Why me?

Some of my medical records list me as having BPD… which is a condition I hoped to never have. I’m upset because my doctor never told me. I had to see it in my medical records to even find out I had it.

As much as a stigma bipolarism is, it’s not as bad as BPD.

People either look down on those with borderline personality disorder… or avoid them like they’re diseased.

But –

It explains a lot of my behaviors… especially the fears I have of losing my friends.

• It explains how I was so depressed, and then enraged when one of my prior friends tossed me aside like yesterday’s fermented garbage.
• I hate it when people leave me.
• I hate that with every fiber of my being. When I am someone’s friend, I don’t take kindly to just being discarded.

True, I do recover from it… and I am very good at hiding just how upset I am about it.

I realize that it’s what I’ve done for years. Covering over what I’m actually like.

Always hiding. Never being honest, not even to myself.

Always ‘adjusting’ my behavior depending on the person. Or adjusting my speech pattern to leave people around me more at ease.

And now I know why.

Is this why I can write intensely emotional scenes?

Am I channeling stuff?

Mehbe…

Now that I think of it, it’s probably good that I’m single. Any man who got involved with me would no doubt be in for a rocky and wild ride. I’d stick to him like clingwrap, and probably frighten him half to death while having a… bad day.

Oh wait… I know what happens if I’m too upset… I end up screaming either in my car or in the basement.

Maybe this is where my teeth grinding came from too? I’ve no honest clue.

I’ve been so off-kilter with all of the fireworks and explosions outside that I’ve been letting a bit too much slip to the wayside.

I’m gonna go clean up behind the furball, take my meds and then drag the laptop into bed with me.

I really want to finish chapter 4’s editing… even if I have to do it with a CPAP mask on my face.

I just hope I don’t face plant this time.

That would be bad for the hose.

I should probably drag the notebook into bed too. I want to framework what the “filler” chapters will contain. I can see areas between the chapters where some “add-ons” will fit.

But what do I write? I’m debating a ‘teaser’ in the middle of chapter 6-7 maybe?

I obtained T2S and listen to “Navigating the Curve” in an Australian woman’s voice. It’s quite nice.

However… NtC is a 19 hour listen. At least that’s what Speechify said. At a speed of 1.1x.

Then again, I was probably a few chapters in where I had it reading for me.

Uhh…

And my wrist and right arm are hurting again… this sucks. Still dragging notebook and laptop into bed though.

… Five mental illnesses. I feel like this is a nightmare that I’ll wake up from and find out that I’m fine.

Nope! Tomorrow will only bring more confusion… and likely delirium from the new meds.

~J. Lyst