Hey, Miss J!

Yeah, this blog post is TMI. I’d classify it as nasty in some places. So if you’re sensitive or squeamish, please look away!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I feel like I backslid a little. Last night, I had all intentions to go and get some decent sleep, but then I peeked at a webtoon that I’ve already read numerous times before. EXCEPT…

This time it was hosted on a different server. There were so many comments under each single page. It made me want to plow through it all over again to find specific chapters that my tiny mind remembered.

There’s only a lone problem with this. I am still unfortunately under the influence of one of my meds… and I reacted to what I was reading in ways I’d never experienced before.

Or maybe I have and just forgot?

It was both frustrating and annoying.

How am I ever going to be able to even work on my chapters if my body is doing this now??

Last visit, my psychiatrist mentioned the possibility of raising my mood stabilizer.

Now I’m worried about something else entirely different.

Since I’ve had a hysterectomy, sure, I never experience cramping or bleeding or any other that… However, I still have my ovaries.

Mind… that surgery caused a lot of psychological damage.

I think my brain is still a bit broken from it…

I’m trying to remember the last time I felt like this… I’ve read that women can still experience PMS even without some of those fairly important organs.

… Which I find to be just… The opposite of wonderful. I have no clue if I have PMS or what. I just know that I act erratically at times, but that could be due to my sleeping pattern… which hasn’t been regular at all since I was taken off the hydroxyzine.

The maddening clenching below the belt is what’s unnerving me so much. With so little to trigger it at that…

Is this hormone related?? I have absolutely no idea… and I usually tend to know quite a bit in gynecology. No, I am not a doctor. I just read and watch medical shows and articles… very often. I’m a med nerd… love all the different odd cases I see or read about. It does get to be a bit much.

I’d say to the point of madness at times. Some of those journals are way too extensive and detailed for me.

I convinced myself long ago that I was too stupid to go to medical school, and it is way too late for me to try now.  

I’m hoping those disturbing dreams don’t come back. I’m already dealing with – unfortunately – being sexually stimulated far too easily.

Along with the regular X-rated thoughts that seem to cross my mind every 5 minutes. Or every 2 depending on the situation.

The last thing I need is to have a sexually explicit dream again.

I can’t begin to describe the disappointment and rage I felt waking up in the middle of a massive orgasm… only to find no one there. I really hope my neighbors didn’t hear that. Then… of course… the aftershocks that made even peeing a hassle. I had a second orgasm in the bathroom.

I had to bite my tongue and clamp a hand over my own mouth.

That is not something anyone should wake up to!

I already deal with loneliness… I don’t need this too.

I’m supposed to be looking up curtains, not cringing over being unable to keep my body under control.

How do I turn off my brain at night though? I always have such vivid dreams…

~J. Lyst

I know this is TMI. It’s overshare… I know it’s gross, but I needed to vent.

I hate being sexually frustrated.

With every fiber of my being!

I feel like tearing my own hair out!!