Hey, Miss J!

The definitions of a stronghold are:

1. A place that has been fortified so as to protect it against attack. OR
2. A place where a particular cause or belief is strongly defended or upheld.

I’ve been told fairly often that my ideas or opinions make no sense. I’ve also been accused of being a soft pacifist. These words have been used to dismiss anything I say. Almost immediately, things I know are always dismissed as nothing.

The definitions of pacifist are:

1. A person who believes that war and violence are unjustifiable. OR
2. Holding the belief that war and violence are unjustifiable.

Want to guess why I was called that? … Because I refused to argue with someone. I think my exact words were: “I don’t have the energy… and even if I did, I wouldn’t expend it on this pointless discussion.”

In my family, apparently, there are two types. Those who are “strong” and those who are seen as “weak.”

• I am seen as the latter… which I honestly don’t mind.
  • I’ve already stated that I’d rather not be a member of the family anyway.
• What I’ve seen of those who are “strong” is that… the strength they display is all for show.
  • Inside, they lack the fortitude needed to push forward.

Dealing with all the problems I have, be it physical or mental… to keep going day after day is a strength in and of itself. I am trying so very hard to better myself. I’m trying to take my meds like I need and cleaning – and attempting to keep clean – my living space.

I fear the future… I’m not ashamed to admit that. I honestly don’t know what tomorrow brings, so I’ve been trying to keep myself focused on each and every single day as it comes.

In essence… I try to plan ahead as if I have plenty of time… but live as if time is going to run out tomorrow. I try to keep that in mind, so that I do my best every day, and even though I don’t always meet my goals… I’m improving… little by little.

Some days, I’m even proud of myself.

I’ve also gone back to wearing makeup and jewelry again. Is it hilarious for me to find myself pursing my lips and winking in the mirror?

Probably.

But I like it.

It looks even funnier when I’m struggling through with my mascara.

I think I startled my aunt when I mentioned wearing it.

I don’t need much in terms of makeup, just enough to boost my mood. Although… I think I’ll wait until my hypoallergenic mascara arrives. Cos my eyes were burning today.

To be fair…

It was my first time using it. And thankfully, I didn’t stab myself in the eyeball.

Maybe I should go back to doing my own nails too, huh? I want to master the French tip.

That’s a thought…

~J. Lyst