Hey, Miss J!

When I watch “My 600…” I sort of shudder at the similarities.

One of the women on this show stated that by the time she was 14, she was 220 lbs. When I hear the closeness of it, I clench my teeth.

When I was 13, I was 230lbs. It was frightening to see. When I was 11, I was 160. So that’s a massive jump between those years. I could have very easily become like one of the people on this show.

I was working pretty hard on my room, trying to rearrange things in here and got a phonecall.

So it seems that the friend who dumped me off now wants me to be a friend again?

I’m leery, understandably so… because I don’t like being lied to or hurt. And when I ask for examples of what I’ve done, there’s verbal dancing. I never learned to two-step and an audio version of it is very much unwanted.

I explained how I was going to have to just shut things down. And I apologized for sharing anything about myself with her. And since I’ve said that, I won’t be saying much else. She said she’d talk to me tomorrow.

Now… I still have her number blocked, so she can try, but…

Eh…

I explained to her that I don’t like people. I can be honest about that right? I really can’t stand people, but I’ve had to train myself to like being around them. I have people I genuinely enjoy being around, but it’s not everyone. I also explained to her that its very easy for me to unload or drop off people when they hurt me.

I push so much until after a while – they drop out of mind.

Personally, I think it’s far more productive and safer than me spending the next three to eight months seething over something I have zero control over. And even when I have ‘gotten over’ it in the past, horrible memories have a nasty way of popping up on occasion. At the most inconvenient times.

Am I angry now though? Eh… not really. I’m more frustrated that I was distracted and lost time in cleaning. I was working so hard and it just…

Well, I suppose it’s good that we’re talking again, right? Considering what happened though, I’ll be extremely limited in communication. For a long time, I’ve felt so lonely… but those feelings are fading into the background.

It doesn’t hurt as much.

Grr… I don’t think this TV stand has been moved so far in years. There’s like years’ worth of dust under it, inside it… on top. All over the place. I finally pried off the second door on it.

It is now an open cabinet! No doors required.

I suppose I should be very grateful for my upbringing. I was always told to exercise self-control, but until the last few years or so, it was very difficult. Even now, I have struggles sometimes, but that self-restraint has proved itself beneficial. I try to avoid tense situations, and if something bad happens, I can sort of lean back on how I was in the past.

Where I was dismissive.

Just long enough to clear my head.

I need to finish this section of floor, and then I’ll hit the hay.

Mmmm. Hay.

~ J. Lyst

I suppose that’s why my writing style has changed so much lately too. I want to put out decent content. If I feel comfortable and safe reading it, I feel good publishing it.

Though I did have 1 complaint that the two main characters had only been holding hands and nothing else. Eh… I wasn’t down with writing much of anything else, at least not at that time.