Hey, Miss J!

I think it’s mildly put to say my entire sleep schedule is messed up. I want to say something else, but trying not to curse even offline so…

Grr.

It’s hard to keep myself within the restrictions and demands of my own written schedule.

I get upset and just angry with myself for writing such a ridiculous chore list… But then…

Then, I realize that right when I have it scheduled to “vacuum” and/or “dust”, is right when the stuff starts kicking up again. So while the sleep deprivation is a pain in my backside, what’s worse is having a dusty, dirty home. The ‘stench’ that I unfortunately would get a whiff of in the kitchen is not often there.

My trash cans are emptied before they can become overfilled.

… And have that gross overspill.

You know which one that is, right?

Where the trash can is full of tissues and instead of emptying it, you just keep tossing more on top – knowing that they’re just falling off and hitting the floor. Then, these mucus filled things end up sitting on the floor for days… probably even weeks.

Until the entire floor is covered with discarded tissues. But instead of addressing it, you just step on them and keep going about your day…

Where you sit at your desk and realize that you’ll never be able to get anything done because you feel depressed because of how messy the room is.

And we come full circle.

That seems to be a thing of the past.

While I will acknowledge that it’s quite strange to be pulling the trash every two days, but it makes a lot sense. I can fill a bag relatively quickly over the course of a day cooking and/or cleaning in the kitchen. I have tissues or discarded Swiffer duster pads in my bedroom and office cans. Same for the living room too. The bathroom trash gets filled quickly due to using gloves and Lysol wipes along with Swiffer Jet Mop pads.

I’ve had two toothbrushes actually break off in my mouth while I was trying to use them. The last time, I nearly got stabbed in the eye. It was… very unpleasant. Fortunately, I had already purchased some new ones from the Dollar Tree.

Or should it be called the $1.25 store now? Regardless, I really appreciate the things I’ve been able to pick up in there. And yes, sometimes I get snacks, but my last trip was for containers for my tech supplies. I even have the supplies for my cameras neatly packed away now.

I’m also… finding healthy ways to deal with the feelings of abandonment that seem to be trying to crowd in.

I feel like an unwanted, discarded toy right now.

As if I can be picked up, played with and then simply discarded as if I’m not even there.

Like I’m not important.

I’m fed up with being made to feel as if my life has no value at the end of the day. It’s false. My life has meaning. I have people who care about me, not for what I can do for them – but just for being who I am.

And I have my wonderful readers, who make me feel better about the material I churn out.

I suppose that’s it for now. I’m going to set aside everything else aside from finishing what dishes I can do and my nighttime reading. I’ll be setting up my sheets for tomorrow and counting up the tally sheets too.

I created an overflow sheet, and I’ll probably start logging everything in an excel sheet as soon as I can figure it out. (Or find a template!)

~ J. Lyst

Oh, also going to change out finger bandages again and rewrap before bed.