Hey, Miss J!

Tonight is going much smoother, I think. I’m still going through something emotionally, but unlike in the past, I am working hard not to sink into a depression. Many things happen in life… that none of us have control over. Instead of beating myself up like I have in the past – I’ve stepped back to look at it from a different view.

It’s not even an issue of rose-colored glasses. Though I am trying to see the positive of this… even though I know nothing is positive about it.

Huh. Maybe I am looking through rose-colored glasses.

Go figure, eh?

It hurts when you lose people, when loved ones leave you. Had I not been on my medication, I could easily see myself slipping into a state of near catatonia again. It is difficult for me to get close to people and when those people hurt you… well…

I’m not to blame for any of this.

I know what is… but with the way I’m feeling, I don’t want to even put the energy into entertaining it.

Why should I step out of my way to cater to that sort of behavior?

I’m tired of it right now…

I hate it when I’ve seen it in myself. It’s not a fun place to be. It’s not a fun state of mind at all.

…I’m not so lonely that I’d put myself back into a situation to be harmed again…

It’s not as if I don’t have mental problems myself that could be debilitating. If I wasn’t on antidepressants and a mood stabilizer, I would be a wreck. In the past, it would have felt like someone ripping a Band-Aid off a fresh wound and pouring 90% alcohol on it. I would also have the same undercurrent of rage.

I’ve mentioned before that I have a short temper, and I’ve worked hard since childhood to behave like a decent human being and not the terrible creature I could be. There are many circumstances where I would have ended up behind bars if I didn’t restrain myself so much. I’ve been through so much that I’ve had to teach myself to feel anything at all.

Like compassion…

Love…

…And affection.

And even with emotions still so raw… I still don’t want for harm against this person, just for me to continue to have clarity of mind.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt… And I’m happy now that I’ve never directly spoken of anyone on here by name. If they read this, they’ll know who I’m referring to.

That said… I’ll be going back to doing the few chores that I can before bed.

Or maybe I’ll tend to the cat and go from there? Though my desk does need some heavy organization…

I have papers all over the place, between bills, scribbled notes on legal pads to my printed version of NtC and even a printed version of my novel.

That novel, btw, is so bad that instead of revising it, I might have to just re-release it on the Amazon Kindle store. After rewriting it from scratch. I have my old notebook from 2013 or so when I first wrote it.

Sounds funny now that I think about it. Ten years after its initial release, that book would be released again, with more coherency, better dialogue… a storyline that makes sense. I doubt I’d be able to do it this year though or even next year.

I have so many doubts and questions for myself.

It’s maddening.

I have no faith at all in my writing capabilities on good days.

And on the bad ones?

Well…

I think I will get this uploaded, tend to my furry companion and then clean up my desk. It needs to be done. It’s far past due.

Thanks for sticking around, even when there’s hasn’t been much of substance.

I appreciate it.

~J. Lyst