Hey, Miss J!

…

I’m growing more and more uncertain how to start these. Of late, all I can imagine myself writing in my blog is “I” … “I… I… I… I”!!

I shouldn’t be upset at myself over this. After all, the entire blog is supposed to be about my life. It’s meant to be a solid and sure chronological record of how my state of mental and physical health is progressing.

When I started:

• Mental Health: Deteriorating
• Physical Health: Beginning To Decline

Now though:

• Mental Health: Stabilizing… mostly.
• Physical Health: Declining

I’m on more meds now than ever before. All my meds have side effects.

As my near car accident today revealed. I’m becoming forgetful and inattentive, which I have to focus on a lot more now. I’m very happy that my friend rode along with me. I usually take her with me when I must travel far to pick up packages… to be on the safe side.

Some of the side effects caused by my medications are being counteracted by other medication.

For one, my mood stabilizer causes depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve been on medication to treat my depression for a few years now… and it’s greatly reduced my suicidal urges.

Which is good. I think it would hurt my friends if I did something to hurt myself like that.

Daily, I’m becoming less certain of my physical capabilities too. Such as my formerly reliable brawn.

Yes. It is possible to be smart, strong and so so adorable. This is why I avoid mirrors often too, so I don’t break my own heart with how unbelievably attractive I am.

My sense of humor remains intact… thankfully.

Let’s be real though. Good looking or not, knowing what I do – I certainly would not date me.

Some loss should be expected. All of us lose a bit of strength gradually over time as we age. As long as we live, it trends downwards. However, I’ve broken down so badly… In such a short time.

And seeing as I used to be so strong over a decade ago… It’s still a lot to take in. It makes me sad sometimes.

I had to haul my new dishwasher in the house tonight. I still have heard zilch about what will happen in terms of my refund with the old one. I hope they’re being honest… because otherwise, that’s $300+ gone…

However, the peace of mind is worth it still, to have that thing in here. I’ve been stressing myself out over keeping the dishes done.

I even went so far as to make an “Adulting” list. I believe I mentioned that yesterday. Cleaning dishes only started making me cry after my machine stopped working. I could sit next to it and wash my pans… all while it worked on my other dishes and utensils.

The dishwasher saves my back and hands. It also helps my mental health.

The machine though? Yeah, it is over 40lbs, and I was struggling earlier not to drop and break it. I already know that I couldn’t have brought the thing in here alone. Matter of fact, it was so huge… it could not even fit in my trunk. It had to go in the back seat.

It’s running now though… and I got a few pats on the back for physically hauling it into the house and then hauling it onto the counter after hauling the other one off.

It made me wonder though… The last time I bought one – the one that doesn’t work now – I couldn’t lift it at all. So, I suppose my PT is working to some extent.

I’m also far more active around the house so…

Maybe I should redesign a regimen of lifting, hmm?

I think before bed, I’ll do some shoulder presses, dead lifts, flexion and some shoulder extensions. Focusing solely on upper body musculature really.

I was told that I could do the exercises three or more times a week, but for me to get some strength in the upper back, I might have to step it up to four times… right in line with my new walking regimen.

I can’t do pull ups yet, but I’ll look into setting up a schedule for that too.

Since the bottom half of me is garbage, I might as well trying to get the upper half up to snuff before I break down any more.

… In the future, I see myself unable to live here and in a wheelchair. It’s a sad thought.

~J. Lyst

Sorry this wasn’t a more upbeat post, but at least when I feel sad, it’s not to a crippling degree. Not like it used to be.

Nothing is worse than sitting there, screaming and crying inside your head… while outside you feel like you’re drowning and barely able to catch your breath. Too weak to even call for help, swallowed up in darkness. Unwilling and unable to try to speak with others.

It is tough. Extremely so. I can’t emphasize how hard it is and how much it hurts, but it is possible to see the sun again.

Thanks for reading. Thank you so much for staying on this journey with me.

And no, I’m not stopping my blog! That would be silly!