Hey, Miss J!

I really hate to do this, but I have to make this quick. I have to get up suuuper early in the morning.

As a quick update:

• Depression: I haven’t wanted to end my own life for some time now. I’m trying to make sure to surround myself by positive things. Good music, wonderful food, and fantastic friends. Also cut out toxic family members… even though it hurt so much. I’m used to speaking to them so it’s hard to adjust. However, so far, so good!
• Anxiety: I haven’t felt too anxious of late. Part of my anxiety was due to fears of the future. I still have no income, and I worry about what will happen the next day. Now though? I’m beginning to understand how much time I’ve wasted enjoying life by being so afraid. It’s just going to be a task to push away from old habits.
• Mood Swings (Diagnosed Bipolar Type 1): My meds deal with the Depressive part of my disorder, which might be why I’m not as depressed too. What’s interesting however, is that this mood stabilizer can cause depression and suicidal thoughts. Funny how that works, right?
• PTSD: I’m still working on being comfortable around people, specifically men. I was initially diagnosed with PTSD and Depression back in 2021, right when I was contemplating shooting myself in the head. I’m glad that the desire to kill myself isn’t bearing down on me anymore. I have no idea what “unalive” is. It sounds stupid, so I won’t even try to sugar coat it. Just like my dad, I’m a straight shooter and aim straight off the hip!
  • The unfortunate side effect of being so anxious around men is that I’m very stand offish with them. It takes me a long time to be comfortable with them at all. While I have had a few crushes, I tend to be better as the female “Bro” than a potential romantic interest.

And while on the discussion of my currently outstanding status as “Single” … I’m beginning to accept it as what it is. I would absolutely love having a husband, but I know that having a second person in my life – and such an intimate one at that – that sort of decision is not to be taken lightly.

I would need to change up so much of my current lifestyle and habits. I don’t like having to share time in the bathroom for one. Sometimes I work on chapters or blog posts in there. For another, where on earth would all his clothes and toiletries go?! Would he even want to live in this house with me? Would I have to legally share it with him? Anxiety about the ramifications of having another person on my legal property would make me ill, I’m sure.

All of that is stuff to take careful consideration of.

And that isn’t even the half…

While I feel as if I’m too broken for a relationship, I would also have to take on the problems facing him too. Then, there would be the constant worry about his health on top of worry about my health too. I’d probably worry myself into losing hair again and get even sicker than I am.

~J. Lyst

Have a good night. I hope I will! Just need to clean the CPAP, pet the cat, then get in the bed. All I have to do in the AM is change the cat box, shower and get out the door! With my food of course!

Heh.