Hey, Miss J!

Today, forwards is backwards and backwards is forwards.

My knee feels 80% better today. I didn’t struggle much. Even though I had a few problems getting down the stairs before going out, by the time I got back… felt pretty good.

My therapist said it well. At times, when you’re hurting, you have to push yourself a little.

The problem is that between Friday to this morning, I was unable to move much at all. I plan on doing my PT exercises whilst sitting, put away my clothes and begin fleshing out a few ideas.

I dug up an old recording of myself singing from April 2002. The cringe was very real.

I told my friend that I sounded the same and after playing the recording, I sat up and sang the exact same verse and chorus. She told me that I certainly do not sound the same as then.

My voice has apparently matured and deepened as well.

Considering that we’re talking about an audio clip from about 21 years go… Well, I cannot quite argue with that at all.

A diminished self of self was constantly dumping on me – to force the belief that I sound awful.

I want to break free from that.

From the negative thinking.  

I tried a few weeks ago. Went to get something from my neighbor’s steps for her and was singing outside the whole time.

For the first time, I wasn’t overly embarrassed at all.

Also, for the first tonight… I’ve completely changed up the entire genre of music I’m listening to.

I have grown tired of searching for “oldies” on YouTube. I also don’t want to deal with scrolling down through my Amazon.com music lineup. I don’t have to be frustrated if my audio suddenly cuts itself off because my internet decided to crash. Or the driver itself suddenly chooses violence and refuses to work properly.

I’ve often wondered if it would be appropriate for me to grant a name to my low self-esteem. Then again, from watching videos of people going through recovery from EDs, I’ve learned that giving my problem a name gives it power.

I don’t want to empower my ability to doubt myself any more than I already have.

I know that part of it is a desire for attention. I don’t like the idea that I am attention-seeking, but I am.

Why else would I resume writing fanfiction again? Why would I have a public blog where people I don’t know can read my inner thoughts? Why do a podcast at all? Or what about my YouTube and TikTok pages?

Social media is all about garnering attention.

I like the acknowledgement that something I did was good and it brings people pleasure.

It warms my heart too – to think that someone might stumble on my blog and see the need to see a doctor ASAP… before they are as far gone as I am.

It’s quite easy to blame my childhood. My grandparents always acknowledged me so that wasn’t a problem. I was socially stunted however – unable to form real and lasting friendships with people outside my home. It was easier to deal with older people, but I had so many issues with my peers.

Something with me has always been a little bit “off” anyway.

Even as old as I am now, I still struggle with social cues.

To help myself, I’ve recently taken up learning French. I also picked up an app that should help me rebuild what vocabulary I have. I score high with reading and comprehension. They were using a speed of about 120 wpm or so.

Will see how that all goes.

Internally, I understand and have a handle on what I should say… but when my mouth opens? That’s an entirely different matter.

I’m not that fast on my feet at all, finding myself tongue tied and prone to giving up easily.

That’s it for now, I spose. Time for a spot of reading, PT, putting clothes away and maybe writing?

I dug up an old story I was working on back around 2006… on an entirely different penname. I think I can harvest it, pull out the guts and turn it into something I would be proud to read.

IDK. My mood stabilizer has me sleepy now, even when you compare it to before. I’m yawning even when I’ve had enough sleep.

~J. Lyst