Hey, Miss J!

Even though the day didn’t start off on the right note, it’s ending on one.

Due to the fact that I have two people coming over to help me this weekend, I decided that I would just finally clean up my house fully. Little did I know that my bedroom would prove to be the most difficult of the entire house.

Early today, I hauled out 20 bags of trash, along with multiple containers of recyclables – out the house. I was so hot that I wasn’t wearing a coat, nor a hat, nor socks or even shoes.

It felt like ice was coming down. It was so nice.

Only half of my bedroom has been handled really.

In actuality, it’s mostly a quarter, because at current, I have pants – pills and a few other things on the dresser.

Along with my mother’s ashes. I went through her old journal and found several letters she had written to me. The first time I read them was a bit over a year ago, but it didn’t affect me as badly as it did this morning.

She apologized for how she had been and told me that I was a wonderful daughter. In that moment… I just felt like a failure.

I feel like I’ve been a horrible failure as a daughter, but I can’t dispute her words to her face.

So I have to absorb it all, suck the words down and try to convince myself that my negative opinion of myself is all a big misunderstanding or an outright mistake on my part.

My bedroom is still barely done, but I also have other rooms to take care of. My kitchen, according to my friend, is “done.” That leaves my cat’s room, my bedroom, the bathroom, living and dining room. And the easiest of them all…

… The basement.

It’s just extremely cold down there. So it’s hard to function down there.

We’ll see how tomorrow looks. From here, it looks extremely difficult and time consuming in the days ahead.

I’ll give myself about 2 hours tonight to see what I want to do. If I choose to go to sleep instead, I’ll just do that. Maybe that makes more sense. Get up a bit earlier to get a few things taken care of. I should have time to dry my clothes too.

Yep! It’s been decided! Going to just clean up behind the cat, do some reading and then go to bed.

I have a lot of business to attend to, but that can all resume in the AM. I can’t keep staying up like this. It’s not good for me.

~J. Lyst