Hey, Miss J!

This is therapy, amiright? I do this to make myself feel better.

And boy do I need that now…

I’m ticked off.

It’s understandable really.

Right now, I’m waiting for a turkey to finish cooking. I’ve literally had to split this thing between two different machines to cook it. That split was literal.

My new cleaver has already proven itself very useful. Partially frozen turkey? Didn’t matter. I chopped it up in the sink. Got worried for a second because I hit the inside of the sink with the blade.

They should both be fine.

I hope.

One of them is composed of steel so old that it literally reads inside the rim: “Made in the USA”. The other? Well… it’s brand new but ridiculously sharp! The bones split like nothing at all.

I let out some of my anger as I swung that blade.

Yeah, I’ve mentioned that I have anger management issues, haven’t I?

No?

Yes?

Honestly, I can’t remember.

I have a problem.

When I get too angry, I am prone to hitting or hefting something.

Anything… all to keep my hands occupied.

I was so very angry. So angry over being compared to a person who is a manipulative liar… that I flung over thirty pounds of frozen raw meat into my trash cans outside. It took all I could not to scream out there.

Don’t need the neighbors thinking I’m any more unhinged than I already am.

And tonight? I had to listen to my grandmother be insulted.

Now, it goes without saying that I loved my grandma. She raised me when she really didn’t need to. She instilled in me values that I still follow to this day. It broke my heart when she died.

And my granddad’s.

He found her on the floor in their bedroom and called for me to help.

Years later, I was taking care of him until he drew his last breath.

As much as I miss my mother, I really miss my grandmother.

I barely knew my dad’s side of the family. And what little I know now? I know enough. I don’t ask for rundowns on any of my cousins. I don’t need to know any of them outside of immediate family.

I’m sitting here in tears now…

I was told that I have issues with addressing people because and I quote: “Of the way that I was raised.”

My grandmother was one of the sweetest people I have ever known. My personality outside of my upbringing has very little to do with her now – unless you account for the fact that I don’t easily tolerate people’s messy behaviors. I guess the reason that it hurts so badly is because these words were spoken by someone who is supposed to be a very dear friend of mine.

I have bit my tongue, held firm and held off when she’s insulted me in the past. When I’ve been questioned about why I even bother to be her friend or why I’m so thoughtless and inconsiderate. When I have been everything but.

That one was because I didn’t answer my house phone… I was in the bathroom and had to deal with hearing this cruel and nasty message come through on my voicemail.

I still went over to her and hung out for a bit to make her feel better.

My grandma and granddad sheltered me a lot. I had to learn how to be an adult all on my own. One thing I am immensely grateful to my father for is teaching me to drive.

But…

I still had to pay him to teach me. He even called and threatened to never help me learn to drive again if I didn’t give him more money one day. He took over $80… most of my paycheck for that week.

Then told me he wanted another $40 for my next lesson.

Grandma and granddad only wanted me to be happy. They sheltered me because they worried something bad would happen to me. I was raised to be respectful to authority figures and other people. I wouldn’t even address my previous employers by their first names because it wasn’t proper.

…… Was this all a ploy to run me away? I wonder that now.

Did my friend think being repugnant would make me leave her alone?

I doubt she even understood why I was still so cordial to her after she’d said all that.

I’ve tolerated a lot of – Ugh. I can’t even curse. I want badly to do it, but I wasn’t raised to do that either. Years ago, I did though, without their knowledge. My stepdad had no problem exposing me to as much profanity as he could.

I have tolerated more than enough off of my “friend”.

So, she wants me to leave her alone? I don’t need to be told twice. In this case, it’s been closer to about four times now.

I’m done.

I already explained to her that I didn’t have the same thinking pattern as other women… on so many occasions. I don’t understand all of the “subtle” things that women say to indicate their displeasure. All of the “digs” they make at each other.

I do not like the backbiting.

I do not like feeling like someone just spit in my face.

I am straightforward and to the point and willingly acknowledge when I’m having a problem saying something.

She can now quite happily count me out of her life from now on.

Now that?

Being able to discard people as if they were no longer there?

Like they never even existed?

Yeah… that was grandma.

Unfortunately, I have to use it as a defense mechanism.

Again…

~J. Lyst

I don’t think I’ve ever had one blog post be so long. Had I been writing for NtC, I’d be five pages in by now.

Dangit.