Hey, Miss J!

The day started wrong for me. Instead of getting the wonderfully long sleep I had planned out, I ended up getting a call early in the morning. I had to explain that it’s difficult for me to sleep after the sun is up – so my chances of having a decent night’s rest were dashed.

Again.

Urg.

I’ve run the entire day now, on less than four hours of sleep. I don’t think that’s right or fair, no matter how hard you angle it. I was repetitively told that I needed to get up and eat.

At that point, I didn’t want to bother. Why should I have to get up out of bed and feed myself when I wasn’t planning on it that early anyways?

I can feel the sleep deprivation and am annoyed at the problems it is causing me.

Yesterday, my temper snapped and I ended up on a very long rant on the phone. I was so angry that I easily hurled over 30lbs of frozen meat into my cans in the back.

The stuff is old and/or unusable. Inedible.

Tossing that weight made the edge of my rage let up only a little.

Part of what we discussed at my appointment yesterday was restoring weight lifting into my regimen. This of course, is something that I could easily get behind. I want so badly to have my upper body’s muscle again. Even if it’s just half of it. It will help me get away from being so distressed.

And why was I so angry?

I had to learn a lesson the hard way.

For me, there is no point in trying to solve a problem between my friends. I though that two of them had a rift and tried to help.

I’ve learned my lesson and will from now on keep my mouth shut. To make it better, I’ll be quiet with them about problems I’m facing too.

“How are you?”

“Oh, I’m alive.”

“Does that mean you’re upset?”

“No, that means I’m alive.”

I am not in the mood for additional friction or drama.

I’m an adult and don’t need nor want anyone to be condescending to me. You can’t just pepper criticism with “But I love you!” because that does not fly. Especially not when I’m being compared to someone who is absolutely awful.

I have primarily female friends, but for the life of me – I’ve never really understood their thought processes.

At all.

I don’t understand women at all!

Biting remarks. Snide replies… Even the supposedly sweet but really nasty snarky backhanded speeches. It makes me want to retch.

I’m so grateful that I’ve drawn back from using profuse bouts of profanity. If I was still like that, half of my post would just be differing variations of the same curse or mixtures in about eight different languages.

So… my anger finally abated last night… only for me to again end up sleep deprived today.

It’s really not fair. I’ve barely had anything to eat because I’m just not in the mood. Normally, I would set out to do my nightly exercises but that’s not gonna happen.

My ankle is still hurting from yesterday, and if it continues tomorrow, I’ll need to wear a brace. I don’t want to wear it though – especially if I end up doing a lot of walking. I’ll try my morning exercises and see how it feels after some sleep.

My moods are often quite mercurial but I usually have a tighter rein of them than that.

No anxiety medication translates easily into terrible mood swings.

Why no meds? Because I need to be on the road in the morning. I had to drive yesterday too. As soon as I get in and get through my midday meeting tomorrow, I’m unplugging all of my devices and taking a nap! I have an eye mask and earplugs in here… somewhere.

So, when my doctor asks me this time: “Have you had any mood changes?” or “Have you had any racing thoughts?” I hope that I will restrain myself from screaming “YES” at the very top of my lungs.

Wouldn’t want to frighten her now, would I?

Apologies in advance is anger comes through easily in my tone when I read this in a podcast.

Matter of fact…

No, I’m not. Not at all.

That’s it!

~J. Lyst

Amazing how much mess I can end up in in less than three days…