Hey, Miss J!

This post is a giant Trigger Warning.

In the past, I didn’t have much time to focus too much on my imperfections. Or… maybe I did and just never had any evidence of it?

I will admit, having a blog – which is essence a digital diary – it comes in handy. I wish I’d had a blog before 2020 that I actually kept up. I did find out that I had an old LiveJournal. The last post on there was from 2005…

How different my mind was then.

Very much so.

At times, I don’t like to remember. I found old handwritten diary entries about my family and a member of it who attempted to sexually assault me. Another family member blamed me for it… as if I had brought it all on myself.

I had to deal with the same when I was either 6 or 7… As a helpless child, then as a grown woman at the age of 26.

Twenty years and I couldn’t get away from people that had no problem taking advantage of me.

There was so much RAGE at both of them, leaving me to constantly simmer just underneath the smooth exterior I’ve held for so many years.

I have a terrible temper. When I get angry with my friends, I then get angry with myself. It’s so hard to try to pull away from all of the horrible memories I have…

To forgive. To forget.

To get to a point when it doesn’t bother me.

I’m the result of a very decent upbringing within a safe fence… And at times, I would get pulled out of that fence and be exposed to the most degrading things. I grew up with a very messed up mind, a duality of self in a way. To my grandparents… they never knew just how terrible things were and would become for me.

They never had any idea just how far it all would go.

I love them so much, and I’m so happy that they gave me the life I had with them. I only ran into problems when I was away from their care.

Am I bitter about all of this?

Sometimes.

I try not to focus too much on what’s really wrong with me… but sometimes things crop up again. Sometimes I hear the wrong thing, see or smell the wrong thing…

And I get sucked back down.

Down down down… to a place and time when I couldn’t protect myself. A place where I blamed myself for what both of those men did to me.

I sometimes see myself squeezed into a tight box, hiding my face in my knees. Unwilling an unable to get away.

Daily, I force myself to face the unfamiliar. To not keep hiding inside under the covers where it’s safe.

At times, I am so swept up in the loving friendships I have that I forget…

What I am on the inside. Just how stained I really am.

I describe my past as being inside of a cesspit. Fumbling and staggering around in filthy sludge for far too long.

So many years.

So much lost time.

So many things I regret now that I’m forced to confront it all.

As my health continues to deteriorate, I’m having to spend a lot more time with just myself… and I don’t always like what I see.

It’s no wonder why I need medication to help me sleep.

No wonder I try to escape in stories – where I can flee this broken body and fractured mind.

I was asked today if I would feel lonely if I didn’t have cats.

I would.

I would also feel very upset… because the only one I’d have to deal with would be myself.

I’m not the best at keeping me company.

I hope this isn’t a warning that I’m about to go into another spiral again.

I don’t like those.

I finished and uploaded Chapter 18 of “Navigating the Curve” … I think I’ll go read it again now. It makes me feel so happy to deal with the characters there.

Take Care!

~J. Lyst