Hey, Miss J!

Sometimes I hate calculators.

I slept so hard that I was in bed nearly 10 hours. If my friend hadn’t called me on the landline, I would have been asleep from Midnight to Noon.

The rest of the week is beginning to look just a little brighter. My new watch arrives tomorrow and I can try my hand at being active… even if only a little. To see how well my body tolerates it. I hope that it all goes well. I don’t want to have a situation where I end up going to the Emergency Room due to an inability to actually exercise at all.

I really miss when I did weight lifting.

I was leg pressing close to what my father could do back in the 80s. 418lbs is nothing to snort at.

I remember years ago sharing a picture of my logbook on my FaceBook page, because I was so excited. I kept improving every week with an extra 5lbs in one spot or one extra rep.

But one of my ‘friends’ on there had a tantrum because she thought I was arrogant and conceited. She felt offended that I would post up anything about my abilities in the gym.

…Then, I looked at one of her most recent pictures and understood.

I dislike immature people like that. Me bodybuilding in the gym shouldn’t have bothered her at all. I was overweight too, like her, except quite a bit of my weight was turning out to be muscle.

Her… Not so much.

I’d lost weight too, but after her reaction… it made me feel guilty for accomplishing anything.

I remember when I bought my dumbbells. My dad complained about how heavy they were. I told him to be happy they weren’t a set of 30s and 35s. At the gym, I was curling 35lbs and squatting a bit around 250lbs. I had bad knees, like I do now, so I was trying to be light on them. I maxed out the back extender at 300lbs. I was tentatively working on moving my lower back lifting to 155lbs. I didn’t do much in terms of lifting with it, because I didn’t want to tear up my back.

Because my dad was involved with powerlifting, he told me all that he could about how to take care of my spine. And I never had weight lifting related spinal issues.

My spinal issues turned out to be genetic in origin.

Now, I’m half crippled and struggling through declining energy levels, weakness in my legs and potentially the beginnings of a serious cardiovascular problem.

I want to bang my head on the wall sometimes.

I need to lose weight.

To lose weight, I need to exercise.

I get too tired and sore to exercise.

I can barely move when I try to exercise.

I lose my appetite and skip meals because I don’t want to deal with struggling to go down the stairs.

I still gain weight.

I don’t understand it at all.

What exactly am I supposed to do? If I could get back to averaging 4 miles a day, I would get back in shape quickly.

When I finally get in touch with my cardiologist… I have a feeling she’s not going to be happy at all to hear what’s happened to me.

Should I try to do a mile tonight? At least?

If I can do a mile tonight, I can also walk to my doctor’s appointment in the morning.

If I do well tonight, I’ll push for two miles.

It might be a bad idea, but I need something. I can’t keep going on like this. I haven’t been in such terrible shape since high school, but back then I could at least walk around when I needed to.

If you don’t hear from me again on here, it might give you an idea that something bad happened. Although, I’m certain that I’ll be back to posting tomorrow.

I need just “enough” exercise to lose this excess weight on my body. It’ll help my back and heart for a certainty.

I’ve recently started having aching hip pain on the left side.

And feel tired even trying to hold dishes to wash them.

My friend told me she hopes I don’t have MS.

I hope not too.

Back to studies and then my potentially risky attempt at walking for exercise.

Again. Ugh…

Addio! Arrivederci!

~J. Lyst