Hey, Miss J!

Am I strange? Maybe confused or sore from the past?

Do I look for things or are they always there?

I told a friend of mine that I was noticing contradictions everywhere. The biggest one I’ve seen?

It can be demonstrated in very unusual but accurate dialogue.

You: “Well, I don’t agree with this.”

Them: “No! You’re wrong! You’re small and narrow-minded and want my voice to be drowned out!” Followed by a slew of profanity.

You: “I just said I disagree! I have the right to disagree!” Replied without profanity.

Them: “No! You only have the RIGHT to agree with me! If you refuse, then you are ignorant and single-track minded!” Again, more profanity.

You: “Fine. I agree with you!” Caves in and doesn’t use profanity.

Them: “I thought so! I knew you weren’t so backwards by having a thought that’s not the same as mine. I’m too sensitive to handle speaking rationally to someone who disagrees with me! Thank you for proving me right by not trying to defend the same right I preach I have by drowning out your voice!”

You: Regretting agreement, but now uncertain how to get out of it.

And me?

Me: “Haha! You should be more than willing to not get along with everyone by not giving in! You can never get along with everyone out there.”

You: “I… don’t want to talk about it.”

Them: “They make perfect sense by agreeing with me!”

Me: “No. They’re quite foolish for agreeing and buckling under pressure.”

You: Buyer’s regret.

Them: “What is wrong with you? Why are you so mean to me??”

Me: “Because I think for myself. Thank you. I don’t bend or fold to just anything out there.”

Them: “I bent long ago to fit in. You should do the same.”

Me: “I won’t.”

Them: “You’re upsetting to other people by disagreeing with them.”

Me: “Ask me if I care.”

Them: “You’ll be alone and won’t have anyone who cares/loves you!”

Me: “I’d rather be alone with myself than be around people who have no thoughts of their own.”

Mind, all of my friends have very strong personalities. It’s refreshing to talk to them. We disagree at times, but we talk it out as rational adults and work to resolve it. Does someone end up bending? To an extent. We always come to an agreement that is somewhere in the middle or fully on someone else’s end.

Without discarding who we really are.

In the past, I would agree and give in to every stupid little thing. All because I wanted people to care.

I really craved attention at one point to the extent that I always agreed… no matter what it was. Even if it didn’t make any sense, I would give in.

I have a very submissive personality, but I was finding myself completely losing who I was.

What I’ve learned is that you literally cannot befriend the entire world. It’ll sting and bite you at the same time. Then, turn around and tell you that it’s your fault.

I noticed this dichotomy because I always look at and see patterns everywhere. My brain is wired a bit differently.

How? Well… For example…

I explained to a family member that I had indicators of being on the autism spectrum recently, and she exclaimed that it wasn’t possible because I had normal intelligence.

What does intelligence have to do with being autistic? People who are autistic aren’t stupid people. They may have delays in some way – like I do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have any intelligence at all.

• Because I blend in well, maybe it’s not as easily seen?
• People assume I’m just very reserved when I literally have no idea how to deal with people in a public setting. I’m extremely uncomfortable and not very engaging at all at first.
• I have learned how to socialize (a little) by observing other people and trying to copy it. It doesn’t always work out too well.
  • I’m very good at being inappropriate and can’t always read body language.
• I feel more comfortable standing somewhere around people as long as I don’t have to speak or respond at all.

I stated that I had indicators of dyslexia because transposing numbers is part of it. I was told that I couldn’t be dyslexic because I can read and write.

• I struggled for years and still do… with either physically writing down numbers wrong or speaking them aloud backwards.
• I worked with money for years… No one seems to understand how stressful it can be to keep messing up numbers.
  • Especially when $$$ is involved.
• I get lost easily because I can’t properly track left-right past the first two directions.
  • GPS is my frieeend, especially the WAZE app.
  • On foot, I do better, but I have delayed reflexes when driving and when terribly startled can forget which body part does what.
  • As long as I don’t have a distraction, I can try to squeeze my way out of a problem. I have to be extremely focused on one thing at a time.
    • I once had to hang up a phone call so I would be able to focus on getting over in one lane, and the person I was speaking to kept talking even when I asked them to hold off.
      • Before you jump on me, I wear a Bluetooth ear piece and I was discussing where I was heading to the other person in relation to themself.
• As a child, I wrote my ‘N’s backwards because I couldn’t tell the difference.
• As an art student, I drew a 180-degree mirror of a square and kept wondering why nothing looked right with the shading. My professor asked me: “Aren’t you dyslexic?” I was doing the shade backwards in relation to the object I’d drawn.

Why would I try to claim I have these conditions if I didn’t?

………

People… you can’t scream about people trying to force their opinions and views on you by belittling a thought process that’s not in full agreement with yourself. Isn’t that trying to force someone to agree with what you said, which would be what you claim you’re against?

Make that nonsense make some sense.

It’s easy to see something is wrong with this.

This of course is why I spend my time watching videos of birds and squirrels fighting. Sometimes, random chipmunks appear and are chased off by a squirrel. Squirrels end up fighting each other over food. Sometimes birds attack each other.

 Animals are just like that though.

Too bad people tend to follow the animal kingdom trends.

Good on you if you think for yourself.

Good on you for not demeaning yourself to please others.

Good on you for also laughing at watching pigeons eat fried chicken. Because that does happen.

I don’t think it counts as cannibalism if the other bird is not a chicken. Then again, that’s just my opinion.

~ J. Lyst