Hey, Miss J!

I don’t know how to describe my feelings right now. I’m stuck between a mixture of chagrin, nausea, frustration and yes – anxiety.

I’ve been stupid, fooling myself into believing that I could very easily handle the first week of this month. The first week is always hard on me. There are bills that need to be paid, food that has to be bought… driving for me to do, moving and lifting things that I should not be. I also end up trying to schedule various things that need to be done.

Mostly on my lonesome. I have a close friend who shops with me when I go to get my groceries, and helps me bring in my water… because I am seriously fragile and not supposed to lift too much.

I still end up doing it because I want to help and on Thursday, I was suffering some pretty frightening chest pains. I felt weak, my heart was racing and I wanted to just lay down on the floor and sleep. I had several things and places I had to drive to and my friend was with me the whole way. I am so grateful to her because she has health problems too, but does so much to help me out.

I felt so sick after I got home that I sat on the bed, picked up my planner and proceeded to pass out. Thankfully, I fell backwards and in no other direction. I woke up disoriented, feeling hot and sticky and found myself staring out the windows. It was almost as dark as midnight, and it wasn’t even 9, but there was thunder and lightning.

I love thunderstorms.

On Friday, I didn’t get as much sleep as I wanted, but still ended up doing a very long drive, which led to even more lifting when I got home… and I felt shaky at that. I sleep until nearly 8pm, waking up and frustrated because there were other things I had scheduled to do.

Then, I found a manga about “The Secret Queen” that night and curious… clicked on it to read. I really enjoy stories that include intrigue and mystery and ended up obsessed with the characters, specifically the main couple. So now I’m eagerly awaiting the next updates. They look pretty good.

The power struggles in that family make me laugh sometimes too. All that power and wealth and they’re all at each other’s throats. One of the main characters literally killed her husband’s other wives, then killed one of his children and tried to have the youngest assassinated (that one was 7) because she only wanted her son to be king. Then, she’s badmouthing her son’s third wife for not getting pregnant.

When I read that none of his wives had gotten pregnant, I realized that it was likely a problem with him… but he was so obsessed with the fact that he was a “masculine, manly man” that he beat his wife for suggesting that they go see a doctor. I started doing what a lot of readers do – yelling at the characters to “please do [insert random thing], please!” It was funny.

I felt so bad for her, reading about how much she’d loved her first husband, who her second husband had supposedly killed. Then I read that her first husband actually was attracted to men, and I was shocked. I wondered how much about that she was aware of. I felt bad that she was mistreated by her mother-in-law, even though she’d tried to kill her husband’s brother’s fiancée.

My emotions ran the gamut… and I realized that was something that I might want to include in my writing.

Curiosity got me to click. Fascination in the story has made me stay. I read all 129 chapters in one night.

It makes me happy that I didn’t grow up in a wealthy family. I don’t… I don’t think we would have been close if there had been that much money involved.

I might have ended up just as cut-throat as the people in the story, growing up without consequences. It explains why so many wealthy young people now seem to not care. If they’ve never been restricted or told ‘no’, they end up being irrational and spontaneously nasty when they’re finally denied something or facing punishment.

Then, I ended up only sleeping 2 and a half hours, only to wake up today and spring into a meeting. I started feeling tired during the meeting… not surprisingly, but I managed to stay awake.

Then I felt wobbly and ill this afternoon.

I’ve felt like vomiting twice today, both times it was awful… and it prevented me from eating in a timely fashion.

And so tired.

The fatigue is my fault, but I didn’t ask for nausea at all.

Now, I’m sitting here, writing a post for my blog and deliberating over my life choices. There are so many ways that things could have turned out differently.

I’m also feeling a curious sensation of emptiness.

Without an ‘internal’ deadline in my mind, I feel myself adrift again. I got asked what would happen in my next chapter. I’m starting to feel frustrated because I’m not writing right now, but the last time I pushed myself… My neuritis flared up, and I ended up wearing braces.

The damage on the right side is pretty much permanent… it’s not something that I ever thought I’d deal with. I feel cheated, having to deal with so much discomfort… on a regular basis.

I never wake up and feel completely pain free.

Then… I consider how fortunate I am that it’s not worse. I’ve seen people who have it far worse than I do. And I end up feeling conflicted.

Even writing this blog post hurts, and I’m noticing more and more that the words I assume I’ve typed, aren’t there. Bits and pieces might be missing so I have to go back and revise.

My brain is filling in the blanks when it shouldn’t be… and that’s scary for me. I’ve never had to deal with being unable to spell or forgetting letters here and there.

Then I feel sick of feeling frustrated with myself.

I can note here that I haven’t had my anxiety meds for approximately two days now.

What I’ll be doing tonight is just resetting. Shifting everything over to Sunday and Monday means there will be huge load on both days. Hopefully, I can get back to some semblance of normal though.

I liked being ahead and ready, and want to keep doing that.

Sorry for rambling.

I’m going to go have a bagel with some goat cheese, update my schedule and work on chapter 17. I’m not posting, but I’ll be able to sit back and do some reading.

Heh.

I have an early morning tomorrow, so we’ll see how well that’ll go.

~ J. Lyst