Hey, Miss J!

Date: July 21, 2022

Time: 3:27PM

Music: Go-Go’s – Our Lips Are Sealed / Dionne Farris – I Know

—

I don’t know how to address the previous days. I can’t complain that much at all.

I ended up watching a few of those “True Crime” stories. If there’s anything I dislike, it’s when someone murders a family member. In this case, the people that lost their lives were the killer’s parents. They weren’t abusive. In fact, they loved him, doted on him. He got anything he could have asked for from them.

Yet, he concocted such a thick web of lies that it’s unreal.

The prosecutor executed his opening statement like a great storyteller – talking to us around a campfire.

I never understood how people from good homes could end up being murderers while people from terrible circumstances could and often would pull themselves out of it and become normal functioning members of society.

Well…

As normal is normal these days.

It’s not a generalization; I’m just referring to the outliers. It was actually a topic we covered back in 2005 or 2009. I honestly don’t remember now when I had that psychology course. I had many benefits from it, such as looking at one of my loved ones with open eyes.

The downside?

I started seeing things that were far too distinctive in myself.

I’ve mentioned on many occasions that I have a terrible temper, but I don’t think I ever mentioned how much force I put behind containing it.

One of my friends recently told me that she’s seen me lose my temper. I had to inform her that she’s only seen the outer fringes of it.

She doesn’t believe me, said that she saw most of my bad temper.

I absolutely love her, but she’s wrong. What that means is that I’ve become quite good at concealing how bad it can get.

Incoherent screaming at the top of my lungs is not how bad it gets. Have I done that? Yes, I have. All that did was make me want to hit and kick something or someone.

My family knew to jump out of the way when they woke me because I woke up trying to fight people. It didn’t matter who it was either.

Attempting to strangle, biting and trying to draw blood are even more in line with it. Move things – like chairs – just to cause someone to fall also happened when I was in, I think, the 1^st grade. I had no reason to do it, I just wanted to see what would happen if my classmate fell.

He did, hurt his elbow. I enjoyed seeing that more than I should have.  

If he ever comes across this, I’m sorry.

It wasn’t your fault.

I hope what I did didn’t warp your view of others.

It was scary sitting next to me, I know.

I’ve also had people stick their feet out to trip me, only for me to stomp down on them with my full weight.

Since ‘99, I have struggled – successfully – in ignoring my baser impulses. That was before I met my friends.

I’m grateful for the loved ones around me that have helped me to improve.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t have desires to want to bring harm to others, just that I restrain it.

Mightily.

Sometimes, the desire is so strong that I can taste it. Literally, I visualize what the reactions to my actions are.

I’m very certain that my upbringing is why I hold back so much. Though many would have seen what my caretakers did as “locking” me up, I don’t see it that way at all. I learned how to control myself.

Mostly.

I was told a few months ago to be nice.

It’s a shame that the person who said that was unaware just how nice I was being.

Fortunately, we weren’t in the same place with each other.

Covid has ensured that I’ve lost some of my control.

Need to get back on it. It’s like riding a bicycle.

I used to channel my anger into my writing… I’m very happy I stopped doing that.

Till Then!

~ J. Lyst